Have kids so you can listen to miniature versions of yourself cry because you cut up a pancake instead of leaving it big.
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Grocery shopping with kids is just saying “put that back!” every 30 seconds until everyone is crying.
Parenthood is full of surprises. Fix your child’s favorite breakfast, yogurt with peaches, and SURPRISE! They now hate yogurt. And peaches.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
4-year-old: Why do you go to work?
Me: They pay me a salary.
4-year-old: I don’t even like celery.
Toddlers are fun if you like being woken up from a dead sleep by someone force-feeding you gummi bears.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Me at 8am: “Oh, juice spill? That’s ok, kids. Love you.”
Me at 5pm: “If ONE MORE GODDAMN DROP OF JUICE spills, I’m burning the house down!”
Times of the day my kids are the most hungry:
1. 10 seconds after they’ve said “I’m full,” and we’ve cleared plates.
Most of my time as a mother has been spent in a closet, eating something I didn’t want to share.
Just completed a study and found that 56% of my time at restaurants is spent taking my kids on field trips to the bathroom.
Me: I think I ate too much.
4yo: Yeah, but not just today.
The universal sign of a parent’s car:
Gold Fish crackers or Cheerios everywhere.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
3yo: May I have another waffle with syrup?
Me: You just ate the last one.
3yo: Then can I have just some syrup?
Romantic Dinner for Parents
“I love you”
“Love you too”
“Dinner was great.”
“We’re finally alone”
(from other room) “Somebody wipe me!”
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I just found spaghetti in our heating ducts if any of you were thinking of having children.
There is little difference between how a horse eats hay and the way my children consume spaghetti.
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night
Just once, I want to wake up with the same sense of renewed optimism my 5yo has as he requests candy for breakfast for the 25th day in a row
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Was arguing with my 2 y/o for 30 minutes about why he needs to wear his pants and now we’re both sitting in our underwear eating donuts
70% of parenting is just melting cheese on stuff to try and get your kids to eat it.
The other 30% is dipping it in ketchup.
What I say: No fruit snacks for breakfast.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) October 17, 2016
What my toddler hears: EVERYBODY GETS FRUIT SNACKS! pic.twitter.com/9T6tk2VOX8
Toddlers: I don't want to eat my dinner! It's yucky!— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) April 2, 2017
Also toddlers: pic.twitter.com/Z28EuRp5TJ