My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
I’m glad we own 10,000 stuffed animals so my toddler can fall asleep cuddling with a jar of peanuts.
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night
[waitress brings out the food] 5-year-old: I don’t like pancakes. Me: Then why did you order pancakes? 5: I panicked.
4-year-old: Can I have some of your candy?
Wife: I got this for Mother’s Day.
4: You’re only a mom because of me.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
If persuading my kids to eat the dinner I cook every night doesn’t count as sales experience, I don’t know what does.
Me: I think I ate too much.
4yo: Yeah, but not just today.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked my wife for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
4-year-old: Why do you go to work?
Me: They pay me a salary.
4-year-old: I don’t even like celery.
Was arguing with my 2 y/o for 30 minutes about why he needs to wear his pants and now we’re both sitting in our underwear eating donuts
Me: stop playing with your food
Son: if you didnt want me to play with my food then why did you get me dinosaur chicken nuggets?
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours
I asked my 1-year-old if she wanted pizza.
She nodded so hard she fell over.
So, yes, I’m sure she’s mine.
When I want my kids to eat something the best chance I have is to put it on MY plate, where apparently food becomes immediately appetizing.
6yo: I need to fart
Me: No, we’re eating
6yo: Ok, I’ll just hold it in with my hand
6yo: It didn’t work
I’m not sure what my kids did in this room, but based on the debris pattern I’d say they ritually sacrificed a chocolate doughnut.
Parenthood is full of surprises. Fix your child’s favorite breakfast, yogurt with peaches, and SURPRISE! They now hate yogurt. And peaches.
There is little differece between how a horse eats hay and the way my children consume spaghetti.