Marriage is a beautiful journey, a story of love that starts off with a sprint but gradually finds its rhythm into an easy jog that spans (hopefully) your entire life.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Establish dominance in your household by staring at your husband while you unplug his phone from the charger and plug in your own.
Me: I’m glad I got married. Everyone needs a sidekick.
Wife: Good point, Robin.
Me: We got invited to two parties this weekend.
Wife: Wow. We finally have friends.
Me: We’re skipping both, right?
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I’m secretly doing an investigation on how many decorative pillows I can put around the house till husband loses his shit.
Current count: 23
Wife: *trying to open a can of tuna* Our can opener is broken.
Me: So it’s a can’t opener?
Wife: I can’t believe I married you.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Me: I’m gonna take a shower.
Husband, raising eyebrows suggestively: Need any help?
Me: Yeah, keep the kids busy.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MY MYSELF
Weird, my wife caught the cold that I just got over and she does not act like she is dying. Colds must effect women differently.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
A haiku for my husband…
Your whiskers are black
The porcelain sink is white
Are you fucking blind?
Offering home tours, not for prospective buyers, but for my husband, who doesn’t know where anything is.
I sent my wife a text.
Her typing bubble popped up for 10 minutes.
All she sent me was “k.”
I’m as good as dead.
Still waiting for my husband to apologize for what he did in my dream last night.
I’m never more nervous than when I insist we’re out of something and my wife goes to look for it herself.
[leaving for work]
*gives wife a quick kiss*
*spends 10 minutes saying bye to the dog*