1. This reminder of the ranks
Me: I’m glad I got married. Everyone needs a sidekick. Wife: Good point, Robin.
2. This truth bomb
“5 years ago i married my best friend, my soulmate, i love you”
“eat all the leftovers again and i will end you”
3. This powerless princess
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
4. This ultimate hip-hop team
You’d think my husband would like it when my 8yo beatboxes as I do the robot but NOOOO he’s on a “conference call” and we’re “distracting.”
5. This constant interruption
Me: the book is so much better
Wife [pauses Shrek 3]: can you stop
interrupting every 2 minutes
6. This unbelievable sacrifice
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everth-”
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another who will eat that pickle.
8. This fast-learner
If at first you don’t succeed maybe your wife will just do it for you from now on like that time I loaded the dishwasher.
9. This confused chef
wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
wife: What temperature?
wife: That’s the clock
10. This aggressive chewer
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
11. This sext(?), I guess
keeping our marriage fresh/exciting via texts
12. This alarm clock
Marriage is basically just whispering, “Are you awake? I need to show you this cat video.”
13. This sexy-time surprise
Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn’t wanna share.
14. This handy helper
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
15. This trip to the orthopedic doctor
Marriage is basically agreeing to not sleep in a comfortable position again for the rest of your life.
16. This example of true love
Marry your true love so you can always wake up together and say, “Breathe the other way”.
17. This terrible game of Family Feud
Wife: You pick dinner.
Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
Wife: It’s up to you.
18. This genuine miracle
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
19. This relatable battle
Tell me how tired you are so I can upstage you and tell you how much more tired I am.
20. This garbage war
Marriage is essentially to people taking turns pushing down the top of the kitchen garbage so they don’t have to take it out.
21. And, of course, this genuinely genius piece of advice
Don’t marry someone before you see them step on a Lego.