I’ve learned more about love from watching my dad reluctantly rearrange the living room so my mom can make snow angel boomerangs for her 29Instagram followers than anything else in life
We called our first daughter “Melody”, because my wife likes to play music. Which meant I got to name our second daughter, “Grand Theft Auto V”.
my parents get wine drunk and tell alexa to play all of their fav songs on max volume is this what marriage is
Wife walked in to grab makeup while I was pooping Eye contact was made. Year 2 of marriage is gonna be awesome!
Establish dominance in your household by staring at your husband while you unplug his phone from the charger and plug in your own.
Someone failed to tell me that a lot of marriage is watching your spouse eating crumbs off their shirt from a ding dong that they finished an hour ago…
Just got up and got the remote control for my wife. She said it was the most romantic thing I’ve done for her in days.
The real secret to a happy marriage is that you both just get to a point where nothing is worth arguing about ever again
85% of marriage is putting the dishes in the sink to soak and then waiting your partner out to see who caves first and washes them.
Before I got married, I had no idea that there was a wrong way to slice a banana.
Me: I noticed you took the batteries out of the remote.
Him: I put them in the light saber…go get the ones from your vibrator.
Me: I also put those in the light saber.
We turned the tv off manually.
Me: Breathing in my sleep. Sound asleep.
Wife: NUDGE. Breathe the other way please.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident
involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Marriage is being privy to someone else’s bowel movements forever. Love is genuinely hoping they go smoothly.
I ate the Reese’s Peanut Butter stash my husband hid for the Christmas stockings and all I have to say about that is he should learn to hide better.
I’m sitting next to Catherine on the couch watching TV. She just leaned over and asked me why I have to sit so close to her. Marriage is a beautiful thing.
Just seen a guy call his wife on FaceTime cause two cute dogs were nearby & he wanted to show her. I need someone to love me like this.
Marriage pro tip: When your wife comes home from the store and shows you what she bought, you better make sounds like you’re watching fireworks.
FELLAS YOU ALL KNOW HOW IT IS WHEN YOUR WIFE TELLS YOU ANY GIFT IS FINE AND THEN REJECTS YET ANOTHER FRESHLY KILLED HORSE
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
I cleaned out the garage today. I can only assume my wife’s modest “thanks, it looks great” is to distract me form the elaborate parade in my honor that she is secretly planning.
Husband have been home sick for a couple of weeks.
Send him to his parents house today, to help fix some things.
The real motive: I wanted to eat my hidden bag of candy without sharing.
90% of being married
Is just shouting
From other rooms.
the lizards are together on the bed with one’s hand on the other’s back while watching Jurassic park. this is a whole happy marriage
Marriage is basically just whispering, “Are you awake? I need to show you this cat video.”
The best part about being married is that watching TV counts as a date
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
my biggest fear is I’m married & my husband says, “let’s cut sugar out of our diet” so I have to leave with the kids in the middle of the night
The best part about marriage is getting in trouble for going to the bathroom when your spouse was thinking about going to the bathroom.
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
The foundation of a solid marriage is owning a big dog and having a plastic bag filled with other plastic bags under the sink
A neat thing about marriage is how you can be annoyed at significant other for things that haven’t even happened yet.
Wife: Honey, go easy on the salt.
*me holding the salt up by the collar*
Me: you looking at my wife?
My mum was angry at my dad so tonight our supper is 100% vegetarian.
Marriage is wild.
marriage is just me rubbing my butt on my husband
Marriage like is an ongoing tennis match between ‘I love you so much’ and ‘nobody would find your body; my plan is well thought out’.
Marriage is blocking the car window with your body, while your life pulls toilet paper out of her pants that stuck to her thigh in the bathroom.
my husband took the last piece of perfectly salted breakfast bacon, but I decided to stay and make it work