I’m a nurse at a hospital, and it was ingrained in us to knock on the patient’s door before entering (plus it’s just polite, people are barging in and out of patient’s rooms all day). So after working three twelves, I went through the motions of unlocking my door to my house, running upstairs to strip off my scrubs, and my husband just looked at me with the biggest smile on his face after I got my pajamas on. Little did I know, I knocked on my own door before coming in, knocked on my bedroom door, knocked on my bathroom door, and my closet door all without realizing what the hell I was doing.
Talk about being automatic!
Sara Elizanne

I worked in retail for a long time, and one day we were super busy and I was a little frazzled. The phone rang and I was half way between saying, “can you hold” and “can I place you on hold,” and instead just said “can I hold you?”
Liz Wilsker

Yesterday I went to Wendy’s and the girl said “Welcome to McDonalds” and then just sighed

I’m a supervisor and one day an agent needed help. He came to my office and said “Hey do you have a Sec?” Without even thinking I reply back with “I have all the Sec’s for you”. I turned bright red and tried to pull it back and say Time! I have all the Time for you!!
Lizzy Murphy

I work retail full time and my script gets frequently messy – I’ll ask the same question twice, or say “$2.60 is your total” while handing back their change, or say “how are you doing today?” instead of “have a good day!” like name it I’ve bungled it
But anyway, this lady came thru my line buying a book and the review on the front said: “few books are well written, fewer still are important, and this book manages to be both”
As I handed her the bag I was trying to say “thanks, you’re all set” and instead my brain mashed up the review and I said “thanks, you’re important”
There was this short pause in which i tried to figure out what the f*ck Id just said. She blinked and then said “oh thank you! you’re important too!”
The real kicker was one of my coworkers. When I was relating this story later his response was “at least you said something NICE. Last week I accidentally combined ‘you’re welcome’ and ‘no problem’ into ‘you’re a problem’”

One time during family prayer, dad began: “our father who art in heaven, American Airlines, how can I help you?”

I have two jobs: one at a coffee shop, and one at a sex shop. Once while ringing our a someone at the sex shop i accidentally asked “for here or to go”. The look on their face was priceless. Thank god they didn’t choose “for here”!!
Shelby Abrahamian

I used to work at a place where you had to greet people when the door chimed and YEARS after quitting i was in a gas station that had the same chime and as I was in line to buy my road trip snacks I found myself greeting random other customer. Pavlov wasn’t kidding.
Aimee Snow

When I worked at Medieval Times occasionally I would slip in real life and call people “my lord”

I used to babysit a lot, usually the parents were going out, doing something fun. One time i was sitting so the parents could go ta a funeral. As they were leaving, I said what I usually say, “Have fun!”
Meghan Hewitt

Image Credit: Wikimedia Commons

I have a great conversation with a new client and at the end of the conversation realizing I hadn’t even said my name, meant to say “I’m Amber, thanks for the awesome conversation” but it just came out as “I’m awesome” as I’m shaking his hand.Coworkers started introducing me as that to new and old clients.
Amber Thorpe

As a nanny I teach babies sign language. At home I will wave the pee sign to let others know I have to pee!
Amy Mellor

Somebody in the elevator asked me what floor I lived on, and I answered “please open your books to page eight”, and we just kind of stared at each other, blinking.

Hmm…I have to carry a gun for work. When I get into my car on my days off I frantically shift and grope at my waist because I didn’t feel it dig uncomfortably into my side.
During work hours I will slow my pace so that no one is walking behind me. I hold doors open for people, not to be nice really, but so someone can’t charge up behind me in a doorway. I went to a friend’s parents apartment for thanksgiving, they have a door man. He opened the door for me, without thinking I grabbed it, making hard eye contact gesturing for him to enter first. He kinda shuffled in nervously. I took two steps once inside, before realizing what I’d done.
I think that’s all I got.

One time my dad went to the White Castle drive-thru and the lady (who was supposed to say ‘Welcome to White Castle, what’s your crave?’) asked, “Welcome to White Castle, what’s your problem?”
She apologized profusely while my dad proceeded to lose his shit laughing.

Just last week a customer asked me if I was Rachel and I responded with “yes, this is Rachel.” It was not a phone call. He was right in front of me.
Rachel Williams

One time, since I used to work as a daycare teacher with preschoolers, I was on my college campus in my gym, and someone was running in the weight room and tripped over a machine and fell, and instead of offering to help, I just stared and said, “This is why we use our walking feet.”
We both sat there for a while until the guy nodded and said, “yeah, okay, I should’ve done that.”

At work about a month ago, I was helping a customer, and when they thanked me, I combined ‘No problem!’ and ‘My pleasure!’
‘NO PLEASURE!’ I said, and then because my brain was broken, I just walked away.
Alicia Stark

I work for a company that’s basically like amazon for prisoners. I’m so used to speaking to jails, that I was talking to corporate yesterday and when referring to my employees, referred to them as “the inmates”
Michelle Marie

One time I was out walking and saw the sweetest little golden retriever puppy. I asked the owner if I could pet her and she obliged. I was so overwhelmed by the cuteness that my brain got all jumbled. I put my hands on the puppy’s face and said to her in baby-talk, “Oh my gosh you are just so cute I cannot handle it! I just want to KILL you!”
My brain simultaneously said the word “kiss” and “steal”. I took a beat and the immediate horror set in of what I had actually uttered. I stammered and wanted to apologize, but the woman picked her dog up and RAN away before I could explain.
Jamie Hartel