Childhood is full of endless wonder and curiosity. Teen years are all about carelessness and freedom. Twenties are the introduction to adulthood. And thirties – thirties is when all the dust settles and people have the confidence to just be themselves.
Welcome to your 30s. You’re continually stunned to find that 1998 was not 10 years ago.
My 20s: *drinks all the drink, does all the drugs, has all the sex.
My 30s: *sits on the couch until it’s no longer too early to go to bed
Adulthood is mostly whispering
*For F*cks sake*
Every time the phone rings
6yo: What’s it like being a grown up?
ME: You know that feeling you get when you unwrap a present and it’s not what you wanted?
Me in my 20s: secretly hates everyone
Me in my 30s: publicly hates everyone
[at a party]
Me: *over the music* DO YOU HAVE A RECYCLING BIN?
One day you’re not old and the next day you have a favorite grocery store.
Me in my 20′s: *dresses like I’m on the catwalk*
Me in my 30′s: *dresses like I walk cats*
Me [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
Me [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I don’t use social media or apps to date because I’m in my 30s and I prefer meeting men the old fashioned way: never.
KID: *falls out of the tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
13: When will I know I’m an adult?
Me: When you have a favorite spatula
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Them: You need to listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want pizza.
My workout schedule:
Age 20: Ran every day.
Age 25: Exercised once a week.
Age 30: Pulled a muscle walking to the fridge.
Welcome to your 30s. You have a favorite reusable shopping bag now.
“What is life in your 30s like?”
“You get excited about a restaurants location because it’s close to Target and you need to buy soap.”
Her: i’m in the mood
Me: me too
Her: wanna do it
Me: oh yeah baby
[we drive to Home Depot to look at paint]
Dad: Son, it’s time we talked about the birds and the bees
Me: Dad, I’m 30
D: And how many times have you had sex?
M: Fair enough. Proceed.
I love being in my 30s. I get messages from my friends like “oh god I’m in a club” and I’m like “oh god no” while I’m home eating string cheese
sure all my friends are getting married and starting families but at least i’m slowly dying inside
Welcome to your 30s
Breakfast is ibuprofen
Welcome to your 30s, everything hurts for no reason and you have a hangover from the glass of win you drank a week ago
In your 20s: Netflix and Chill = sex
In your 30s: Netflix and Chill = Actually watching Netflix. Actually chilling
My only goal when getting ready to go out in public is to make sure a teenager doesn’t take a discreet picture of my outfit and meme me
Teens: I’ll never die!
Twenties: I almost died like 5 times last night lol
Thirties: I pray for death to release me from this damaged vessel
Hello, welcome to your 30s, the cute boys you had crushes on in junior high all look like fat old dads now.
Partying in your thirties is like partying in your twenties, except everyone’s arguing about daylight saving time, and my back hurts.