Two instances, both ~10 years ago.
First: fell off the bed in my sleep. Gravity hits hard when you weigh 220 lbs.
Second: woke up still drunk. Rolled over and someone was in my bed. Both of us nude. Zero idea who she was or how she got there.
It was a whole scene. Ugh.
I was once in that state where you’re 25% asleep 25% awake and 50% have no idea what the fuck is going on, when my cousin screamed, “Oh my God, cockroach right next to you!”
I’m not even exaggerating when I say I literally jumped out of bed. As in, one second I was being all comfortable and the second I was standing next to my cousin on the opposite side of the bed looking like a mess with black hair where my face should be.
But my cousin wasn’t screaming like any stereotypical millennial would do after catching sight of a cockroach. She was laughing, full on shrieking and knee-slapping and “what-the-hell’ing”. Apparently, there was no cockroach and she’d just been trying to wake me up so we could chill.
Remind never to have a sleepover with her again.
By the dentist.
I have an amazing superpower. I can fall asleep anywhere. Put me on a plane, and I’ll be asleep before it takes off. If I go for a massage, I only really enjoy the first five minutes – I’ll snooze through the rest.
I’ve fallen asleep at the bank, in a crowded jumpy bus with crowing roosters in Thailand, and while workers were breaking down a wall in my apartment.
Image Credit: Dental Plans
But the one time that takes the cake… I fell asleep while on the dentist chair.
The worst part is, like any normal human being, I’m terrified of the dentist. But I don’t know, it was warm and his chair was comfy and… I dozed off.
The dentist didn’t even realize it straight away and just kept on drilling. It’s only when I began to close my mouth in sleep that he looked up and realized my eyes were closed.
Once the horror of “OHMYGOD WHERE AM I AND WHO IS THIS MAN WITH THE SERIAL KILLER TOOLS” was past, we had a good laugh.
Apparently, it had never happened to him before – and he’d been a dentist for over twenty years.
I was walking down a road with people smiling at me. I loved the look of people around.
And then suddenly I hear someone crying far away. I feel like crying too but I stop myself. Why do I feel like crying?
The crying sound gets louder and I try to close my ears. But I can still hear it crying.
“No. Stop. Please. I am tired. Can’t you understand?” I ask to no one in particular. But my voice isn’t heard.
I suddenly feel violated. Like people are tearing my clothes off. And I am not even screaming. I feel okay. Why am I feeling okay being violated. Isn’t that wrong? I wonder.
I wake up with a start and find 2 nurses around me telling me to be calm. I look at them and wonder what is happening.
I look on the other side and see my just born daughter sucking on my milk.
“It’s okay. We tried waking you up. But you weren’t responding and she was very hungry. So we just opened it up for her. Please don’t mind.”
They said with a smile on their face.
I smiled too. But damn was I scared.
I wanted to sleep again but well someone’s hunger was more important than my sleep.
But I could cry. I love my sleep. I am going to miss it.