“My laptop won’t turn on!”
“Did you plug it in and charge the battery?”
“NO! This is a laptop! It doesn’t need to be plugged in!”
“Ma’am, the battery still needs to be charg…”
“LISTEN! This is a laptop!”

“Your total comes to $32.23″
“I only have $20.”
“Can I still have it?”

Cellphone store right before the dawn of the smartphone
Customer: “I need my information off my old phone.”
Me: “Okay where is it?”
Customer: “At the bottom of a lake.”

I once had a customer bring back a laptop she bought the day before claiming it was broken. She said it wouldn’t open, I asked her if it was windows not loading up or a program not opening, she said the laptop itself wouldn’t physically open. I took it out of the box, opened it up and just looked at her. Her mouth fell open, she looked at me and said “Oh, it opens that side! Me and my sister tried for an hour to open it up last night and couldn’t” She had been trying to open it from the hinge side…

“Man, ya’ll don’t know how to treat customers. It’s why you all losing money. I’m going to Lowe’s.”
From a customer yelling at customer service, in a Lowe’s.

“I’m allergic to gluten. I want you to point out all of the candy in your candy shop that is gluten free.” I do as requested. She buys a shit ton of licorice. me: “Um, ma’am, that licorice contains gluten.” “Oh, a little bit won’t hurt me.”

I worked at a helpdesk…one time a lady called in complaining she “charged her internet all night, and now it won’t work once she unplugged it from the modem”…

Customer: “$11.50?!? The deal says any two footlong sandwiches for $12!”
Me: “Yes, but one of the sandwiches you got had a regular price of $5.50 so it was cheaper any–”
Customer: “Thats ridiculous!! I want to see a manager- actually forget it. I’m never coming back!”

Image Credit: hotflick.net

Worked at a gas station. I watched a customer pull up, whip her door open and slam it against the large, shiny silver pole that protects cars form running into gas pumps. She then proceeds to furiously get out, scream with her head facing the heavens, and run into the gas station telling me I need to be more careful where I place those.
The thing has been cemented into the f***ing ground for over twenty years.

Was told it was a gluten ALLERGY. So we have to like shut the kitchen down. For dessert she orders the chocolate cake. “Ive been good on my diet, don’t judge me! ” also I SAID NO TOMATO IM DEATHLY ALLERGIC! we apologize, remake. She smothers it in f***in ketchup. Also “i can’t have the grape pop. (The flavor no one ever wanted) Im allergic to artificial grape” i get a cool super sour candy spray. She wants it. Im like “oh, sorry its grape” “that’s ok! Its sour so it doesn’t count!” Smdh stop faking allergies!

A pleasant lady walked into the bike store I work at and asked us to help take her daughter’s bike out of the car to find out why it wasn’t riding as well as it had been when she got it. I stride over to her minivan and lug out a beautiful, spotless blue Bianchi. Looked like it had been ridden maybe twice.
Brakes were snappy, shifting was crisp, chain had zero rust and zero stretch. The bike was basically good as new.
Except the tires were empty. I asked her when her daughter filled them last.
“You have to fill them?”

Customer: Can I get a Big Mac, a poutine, and a large coffee double double.
Me: Alright, so I will make that a meal for you so it’s cheaper.
Customer: I don’t want a meal. I want a BIG MAC, A POUTINE, AND A LARGE DOUBLE DOUBLE. THAT’S IT. NO MEAL.
Me: Ma’am.. those three items together are a meal. I can charge you separately for more money if you want but a meal is cheaper.
Customer: huffs I said no meal. Let me pay. proceeds to pay $3-$4 extra just because she doesn’t want a meal
I don’t understand customers sometimes.

I worked as a lifeguard at a public pool last summer.
We had a strict ‘No water-wings” policy. Those little f**kers are death traps. So this woman is putting water wings on her kid next to the pool, and I politely inform her that we do not allow water wings, and have life vests available for free literally 5 feet from where she’s standing. She becomes so infuriated that I would “dare to dictate how she treats her child” and tons of other shit. So I call my supervisor over, and as he arrives and is speaking to her, the kid jumps in the pool.
Water wings slip up his arms, and he’s suspended underwater. Jump in and pull him out. Woman is furious that I would “have the nerve to touch her child. How dare I?!”

I worked in call centers for a brief moment and you get connected with some very weird people.
Me : “OK are there any lights on the modem?”
Cx : “no its unplugged. I unplugged it because I didn’t like the lights
Me : “oh… Well the modem needs to be plugged in to work”
Cx : “I don’t want to get out of bed, can’t you send the signal from your end?”
Me : “…no, it’s physically disconnected, you need to plug it in. I’m just on the phone with you”
Cx : “I don’t get why you’re giving me the run around”

I work at walmart stocking shelves in the grocery department. During one busy day a woman came up to me with a crying kid, probably about 5 years old, and said (exact quote) “my kid is pissing me off, watch him for me while I go get some things.”
I told her that it wasn’t my job to watch her kid and that I had to go in back and do things and he couldn’t come with me anyway, so then she told me she was going to walk away and leave her kid there and if anything happened to him it would be my fault. So I told her if she did that I was going to take her kid to customer service and tell them he was lost and have them page her until she came back.
She started to walk away anyway so I took her kids hand and started to bring him to customer service and then all of a sudden she yelled “WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH MY SON” and I froze, but fortunately a bunch of customers had overheard the whole conversation and explained what had happened to my manager who kicked her out of the store.

In high school I worked at a local hardware store. We also refilled propane tanks for gas grills. After a summer or two of doing ten or more tanks a day you get good at guestimating how full a tank is just by picking it up. one particularly hot day a customer comes in and sets his tank down next to me and asks for a fill up. I pick up the tank and inform him that the tank is full and does not need a fill up. He looks pretty agitated already with this short exchange and says that he checked that it was empty and would I just fill it up. To this, I inquired how he checked. There are several ways to check, one being by the weight of the tank, another is the thermal strip on the side (which his tank did not have) the other is to pour hot water down the side and feel where it gets cold. His reply assured me that this was one blithering idiot lucky to be alive. He said he checked it by holding his cigarette lighter in front of the valve and opening it. To this I replied: ” You ought to write to your congressman and representative because they saved your life today. This tank has an OPD safety valve on it that prevents the gas from coming out without anything attached.” He walked out without another word and with a very red face.

The ice dispenser broke at the fast food joint I used to work at. As a temporary fix while we waited for the repair guy to come take a look at it, we set out a giant serving bowl full of ice with tongs, so people could still ice their drinks. About 10 minutes after putting out the ice bowl, a customer comes up to me to complain that the machine isn’t dispensing ice.

I tell him, “We know. A repair guy was called, but he’s not here yet. In the meantime, there’s a bowl next to the soda fountain, so you can still get ice.”
The guy immediately gets an attitude about it. “How do I know that ice hasn’t been sitting out there all day?”
I stare at him for a good few seconds before saying, “Because it’s still solid.”
“If left out at room temperature ‘old ice’ would just be water.”
“I want to speak with your manager.

I used to work in a store that sold stuff for getting organized and we carried step ladders for people who might be putting stuff up on high shelves. We had two different models which were completely identical except one had two steps, and the other had three steps. And the larger one cost like $5 mor
One night the store was completely dead when this guy walks in and asks if we have step ladders, so I show him the two choices. He asks all these questions about which one I think is better and whether I recommend one or the other and a bunch of other inane stuff and all I can tell him is that the ONLY difference is the extra step and about $5 in price. So the guy says, “Ok let me think about it for a minute.” So I leave him to it.
He ponders this life-altering choice for an hour. He calls his wife to discuss it four times. After endless hemming and hawing he ends up not buying either one, and leaves us with the parting words, “I don’t know. I think three steps may just be a little too much ladder for me.”
I honestly don’t know how someone that indecisive even manages to dress himself in the morning.

I used to work as a photographer in a studio next to an opticians office. I once managed to have a long conversation with a older man looking for glasses, without either of us realizing he was in the wrong place.
Him: “Hi, I’m Mr McFakenamington, here for my appointment”
Me: “Huh, that’s odd… I don’t see you on our schedule. I have time for a walk-in though, just fill in this paperwork”
We have a little chat about possible clerical errors that could lead to a missing appointment as he’s filling in his paper. I chalk it up to human error and tell him we can get started in a few minutes anyway.
Him (after a brief silence): “So about how long to these appointments take?”
Me: “Well, generally it takes 1 to 2 hours for the whole process. Really depends on the person”
Him: “Wow, thats a long time…”
Me: “Well, if it’s just you it shouldn’t take so long. The long appointments tend to be families with children. The most time consuming thing is picking out the ones you like.”
Him: “And after I’ve chosen, do you make them here? When can I pick them up?”
Me: “We send out your order to our lab and it comes back here in a week or two”
Him (looking around): “Do you have frames I can look at?”
Me: “Not really. We’ve got some pre-framed products but generally customers buy their own frames from somewhere else”
Him: “That’s ridiculous! How could you not sell frames here?!”
Me: “Well… there are some in (adjacent department store) if you don’t have any around the house. Frames are really not so hard to come by. I mean, you can even get them at (nearby pharmacy)”
Him: “But you’d at least set up the frames for me, right?”
Me: “Sorry, no.. but for most frames it’s pretty straightforward. Usually it’s just a couple simple latches in the back? I can’t imagine I’d be better at it than you, or anyone else for that matter.”
Him: “I don’t even get to try anything on today? How will I know how it looks? How do you get the size right for the frames if I don’t have them?”
Me: “I’m sorry sir, I really don’t follow”
Him (practically yelling): “So you just want me to buy glasses i’ve never seen for frames I don’t have, and I have to frame them myself?!!!”
At this point it dawns on me. I explain that I’m a photographer, point to the photos hanging up around the studio. I tell him that optical is next door. He looks sheepish, and I walk out with him to make sure he gets to the right place.
This entire conversation occurred while I was under a sign that said “Portrait Studio”, in a room filled with photos of families. I guess the poor guy really needed those glasses.

I used to work in a call centre. When a customer called to place an order from the catalog we would have to offer them cross sells that appeared on our screen. Say for example someone ordered a stapler, we would offer them staples to go with it.
This took place back when computer inkjet printers were fairly new. They didn’t have wireless network capabilities nor did they have SD card readers built in. It was also before tablets came out.
A woman called to place an order and the conversation went like this
Her: Hi. I’d like to order item #XXXXXXXX
Me: ok. That would be an HP printer (offering cross sell) would you also like to add the printer cable as it’s not included.
Her: Why would I need a cable?
Me: to connect to your computer
Her: oh honey, I don’t have a computer I just want to print some stuff
Me: umm. You need a computer in order to print stuff
Her: no. My son knows a lot about computers and you are wrong.
After spending 5 minutes explaining how she can’t print without a computer she continued to place the order and the call ended. I wrote careful notes in the log and explained it all. I wrote down the order number as I knew she’d call back to return it.
Sure enough about 3 weeks later I checked and she had called to return it. In the notes the person who handled the return said that the person she ordered it from said nothing about needing a computer to work the printer. I didn’t get in trouble cause my notes had been in the system saving my a*s.