7-year-old: All the boys said they were faster than girls in gym class.
Me: What did you say?
7: Nothing. I just beat them.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Me: What did you do at school today?
5-year-old: Learned about dragons.
Me: Your class learned about dragons.
5: I learned about dragons. I don’t know what everybody else was doing.
5-year-old: Why can’t dogs go to school?
Me: Dogs are animals.
5: They let in boys.
Me: What are you doing?
7-year-old: Counting the presents under the tree.
Me: There aren’t any presents under the tree.
7: I know.
Passive aggressive level 9000.
4-year-old: Can I have money of your candy?
Wife: I got this for Mother’s Day.
4: You’re only a mom because me.
7-year-old: Do you have a podcast?
Me: Do you even know what a podcast is?
7: It’s that thing where you talk to yourself and no one listens.
She knows exactly what a podcast is.
6-year-old: *fast forwards all the way through a movie*
Me: You can’t just skip to the happy ending.
6: I don’t have time for problems.
I’m glad we own 10,000 stuffed animals so my toddler can fall asleep cuddling with a jar of peanuts.
Me: Did you have a good day at school?
6-year-old: That’s not how school works.
4-year-old: Can I have candy?
Me: What did Mom say?
Me: So why would I let you?
4: She’s not the boss of you.
It’s a trap.
Me: Only female mosquitos bite.
7-year-old: I knew that.
Me: You did?
7: Girls always do all the work.
5-year-old: *slides a curly fry on her finger like a ring*
Me: Are you married?
5: Im Frodo.
5-year-old: I’m not scared of monsters when I’m with you.
Me: well, thanks.
5: They’ll eat you first because you’re fatter.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
5-year-old: A cat doctor.
Me: A veterinarian?
5: A doctor who is a cat.
6-year-old: When I grow up, I want to be a teacher.
Me: What kind of teacher?
6: Defense Against the Dark Arts.
5-year-old: *wears an Elsa dress with a Wonder Woman cape and a Batman mask*
Me: Which superhero are you?
[waitress bring out the food]
5-year-old: I don’t like pancakes.
Me: Then why did you order pancakes?
5 I panicked.
Lions can hunt and kill their own food by the time they’re 3 months old.
My 3-year-old couldn’t find her lunch box, and it was in her other hand.
I can’t believe we’re at the top of the food chain.
5-year-old: *stares off into space*
Me: What’s wrong?
5: What happens if a kangaroo jumps on a trampoline?
Me: *stares off into space, too*