The struggle of a plant hoarder
watering plants is so stressful like you can’t ask them if they need more or less? like is this enough for you, oh is this too much or do you need more water to grow, are you thirsty, sh*t are you drowning can you answer me P LE ASW
me: yeah I’m just spending an evening in with my friends
someone: aw sounds nice
me, later: so anyway my day was hectic
my plants: boi me too your cat tried to eat me
Here’s a silly flowchart that basically informs every day of my life because I am a filthy plant hoarder
in theory I would like a lot of plants but realistically I’m doing a poor job of keeping myself alive so just think of what those poor plants would have to experience
me (looking at my plants): why don’t we ever talk
Me,walking into a plant store: I’m here for a new pot and that’s it, nothing else, I can DO this
Me, 30 minutes later: *walks out of store with 20 different plants*
me, crouched down in front of my tomato plants, examining a pattern of insect bites on their lower leaves: i’m going to fu*king kill whoever did this. i’m going to kill them for you. don’t worry, babies. I’m going to murder every single son of a bi*ch who ever got a mouthful of you. they’ll die screaming
my neighbor, who i did not realize was also outside, standing behind the fence: oh! okay. you’re talking to the plants. okay.
me: plants plants plants plants plants plants pl
mom: stop it no more plants!!!!
me: plants plants plants plants plants plants plants plants plants plants plants plants plants plants plants plants
sometimes I feel useless but then I remember I breathe out carbon dioxide for plants
but its important folwer
IM SORRY BUT IM DYING THEY LOOK LIKE A BOY BAND
i thought succulents were supposed to be the easy do-nothing plant thats impossible to kill but these fu*kers are WAY more difficult than all the beans i had to grow in high school. wtf
a normal plant: just fu*kin stick it in the sun and give it water. lookin malnourished? nourish it. stuff like blight, aphids, and spider mites are easy as fu*k to diagnose and treat.
a god damn succulent, apparently: only likes dry aerated soil mixtures and barely any water ever and lots of indirect sunlight but no direct sunlight and sometimes they just start to look rotting and crinkly and mushy which either means theyre overwatered or underwatered or the soil’s retaining too much moisture or they’re just sad about living in your sh*tty house. will become naked and die for no apparent reason. you fu*king su*k
also fu*king succulents: throw a rotten dead leaf from 1964 on a plate and watch it spring back to FU*KING life, i guess.
PERSON: hey what should we name this flower
SECOND, MUCH CREEPIER PERSON: baby’s breath
100% proof i am a plant
if ignored i shrivel up and die
when the weather is nice so u put ur plants outside
*me sees it raining* me: good the plants deserve this