By age 35 you should have an entire cabinet filled with Tupperware containers. That don’t match. Just a bunch of random bottoms and tops that come cascading out on you every time you open the door.
By age 35 you should have reached that stage of time confusion where you’re convinced the 90s was only 10 years ago.
By age 35 you should have a chair in your bedroom used only for holding clothes that aren’t dirty enough for the laundry but that you’re too lazy to put away
By age 35, you should know that everybody is making it up as they go and nobody else has any fu*king idea what they’re doing.
By age 35 you should have started noticing uncomfortable similarities between you and your parents that you swore you would never be like
By age 35 you should have a kitchen cabinet dedicated entirely to plastic bags that contain other, smaller plastic bags
By age 35 you should run into friends and say “WE SHOULD HANG OUT SOON!” twice a week. You will never hang out. You’ll just scream this at each other until one of you dies.
By age 35 you should have a huge box of cables but you can’t throw them out because you’re pretty sure you still need a couple of them but you’re not sure which ones
By age 35 you should have at least one potato masher in a drawer that prevents it from being opened.
By age 35, you should be ready for bed. All the time. The earlier the better. In fact, just stay in bed the whole day.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
By age 35, you should have lost most of your real life friends to misunderstandings, changing priorities, distance and unknown reasons and found a few hundred online strangers to laugh with.
By age 35 you should have at least 40 years experience for a junior entry level job.
By age 35 you will have lost track of how old you are. “I am 35 this year, right,” you’ll say, but you won’t be certain. You won’t be certain of anything.
By age 35 you should be surprised that other people think you have your sh*t together when really you’re just holding onto the roller coaster for dear life with an excellent poker face.
By age 35, you should own enough books to a) kill you if your shelves collapse, b) form a funeral pyre of the worst ones, and c) leave enough to be buried with you for reading in the whatever afterlife suits you best.
Listen. Meghan Markle wasn’t a duchess til age 36 so stop telling me what I should have by age 35.
By age 35 you should have a collection of excuses for cancelling plans and a system in place for how to realistically rotate them.
“By age 35 you should have double your salary saved.”
35 year old me: IM SUPPOSED TO HAVE A JOB?!?
By age 35 you should have figured out that your period skips a day and then comes back but every single time you think it’s over and get annoyingly surprised the next day