when your mom leaves you home alone and tells you to feed yourself
[day after trying sushi for the first time]
ME: *putting frozen chicken nuggets on table*
WIFE: this isn’t cooke-
ME: it’s sushi, susan
Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I’m some sort of amateur?
*googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
WHAT I WANNA KNOW IS HOW MY STUPIDASS SISTER MELTED THE FU*KINH OVEN TRAY BUT THE CHICKEN NUGGETS JUST CHILLIN.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
COOKING HACK: if you put too much water in your rice, toss a few phones in there
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
Sure, I’ll cook dinner.
How milky do you like your Captain Crunch?
when I try to cook something
Me: This chicken is undercooked.
Wife: You don’t appreciate my cooking.
Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
When you try to make something you saw on Pinterest.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
when the food is nasty but you ain’t trying to hurt someone’s feelings
DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON
“Can we put Nutella on our salmon and call it salmonella?”
This has been DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
So I’m just supposed to know that you can’t eat the outside of the pineapple, like I’m some sort of scientist