My Kid Is Weird

1. This one that’s pure
My kid told me that my butt looked like a bag full of chicken nuggets.

2. This mystery
My nephew once sneezed out a Sour Patch Kid. I still have no idea where it came from

3. This “been there” moment
One of the kids in my class came out of the bathroom and quietly said to himself.. “Well that hurt…”

My 3 year old asks to have her picture taken with store mannequins


5. This original excuse
When I caught my daughter picking her nose, she said, “I’m putting it back in.”

6. This “Yay, parenting!” moment
My 9 year old daughter asked “Mommy when I grow up, will my bo*bs be as long as yours?”

7. This top secret sign
Found this on the dining room wall. Asked our 4yo son what it meant; he said, “You can’t know.”


Mom Quotes

8. This savage mom move
When my mom would drive us kids around, she would brake really hard to make us lean forward and she’d say “bow to Mom” Every. Single. Time.

9. This almost catchphrase
My mom made up her own saying in the 90s when the “talk to the hand” phase was popular. Hers was “talk to the palm, cause you aint the mom.”

10. This new word
One night my mom announced that we were having roast Bork for dinner. We asked her what that was and she said she defrosted something from the freezer and couldn’t tell if it was beef or pork

11. This new slang word
One time I called my mom “Bro” and she goes “I’m not your bro or your hoe, I’m your Mo”

12. This “I don’t think that means what you think it means” moment
My mom told me she and the lady across the street were “Friends with Benefits.” I asked her what that meant, and she said “You know, we get each other’s mail when they’re out of town and stuff.”

13. This “I don’t think it works they way you think it does” moment
My mom couldn’t find the movie she wanted on Netflix. “Oh well, someone else is probably watching it. I’ll try again tomorrow”

Dad Quotes

14. This bit of truth
Watching “Chicken Run,” my dad suddenly exclaimed “yeah, right!All those chickens working together like that.”

15. This classic dad joke
My first boyfriend played the saxophone in a ska band. When my dad met him, he told him to practice “safe sax”

16. This cool dad joke
I called my dad to see if he had a stud finder and he casually replied, “mom’s at work.”

17. This IRL Homer Simpson quote
When mom wouldn’t let dad build a maze of beer cans in our yard he said “You’re the cloak of darkness smothering my fire of fun.”

18. This actually good idea
My dad once had a dream that he wrote a hit Easter song called “If It Hadn’t Been for Christmas.”

19. This embarrassment
Till this day, my dad still thinks Gwen says “there ain’t no harm in that, girl!” instead of “I ain’t no hollaback girl”

My Family Is Weird

20. This thing that makes you go hmmm
My mother orders frozen margaritas and then won’t drink them because they are too cold.

21. This whatever you call it
My dad calls the minions from despicable me the dependables, morons, or pinions because he can’t remember their proper name

22. This safety tip
When I was a kid, my dad cut the pointed tips off the party hats so we kids wouldn’t poke each others’ eyes out.

23. This idea that is half batshit, half adorably awesome
When my brother and I are away at college, my mom sets our scarecrows at the dinner table to have as guests.


24. Well, same for this one
my grandma had professional photos taken with one of her dolls and a stuffed monkey


Via buzzfeed / Preview photo credit: © Hollywood Reporter