I’ve spent my whole adult life chasing the high of a scholastic book fair
My only goal when getting ready to go out in public is to make sure a teenager doesn’t take a discreet picture of my outfit and meme me
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
age 18: who’s this 23 year old a*shole
age 23: who’s this 18 year old a*shole
age 30: who’s this 29 year old a*shole
Exciting perks of adulthood:
1. Busy! Busy all the time! What are you even doing? You don’t know!
2. Very tired.
3. Some kinda stomach ache???
4. Definitely sad about something.
5. Bills! Bills all the time! What are you even paying for? You don’t know!
Millennial: wow cool Ramones t-shirt. Did you get it from a website
Me: (my face is red and steam is shooting out my ears): THE MALL!!!!
Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there’s lots of cursing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies
My workout schedule:
Age 20: Ran every day.
Age 25: Exercised once a week.
Age 31: Pulled a muscle walking to the fridge.
[at a party]
Me: *over the music* DO YOU HAVE A RECYCLING BIN?
One day you’re not old and the next day you have a favorite grocery store.
SINGER: hows everyone doin tonight
ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): it’s actually been a tough few months
people aren’t allowed to be better than me and younger than me. choose one
Adulthood is mostly whispering
“For Fu*ks sake”
Every time the phone rings
My 20s: *drinks all the drinks, does all the drugs, has all the sex.
My 30s: *sits on the couch until it’s no longer too early to go to bed
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
all i wanna do is
[gunshot noise x4]
[cash register noise x2]
get healthy, have a job i love, and be happy
my parents, at 27: married, with a kid
me, at 27: i prefer ordering pizza Online so i don’t have to ever interact with a human person
Adulthood is emailing “sorry for the delayed response!” back and forth until one of you dies
Me: It’s like that episode where Brenda and Dylan-
Me: Forget it. You can’t help me.
tfw you aren’t being grilled by the Senate Judiciary Committee
In my twenties i thought i was an extrovert but it turns out i was just drunk and screaming
Shout out to my mom. im sorry i rolled my eyes when u were confused by pop culture. i get it now. i have no idea who the fu*k bebe rexha or lil tay is. i never really found out about the laurel vs yanny thing. im confused and strangely angry and i wanna have a sit.