Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I automatically assume everyone finds me unattractive until they tell me otherwise. dilated
And then i assume that they are lying to make fun of me hudlion
That awkward moment when you leave a store but don’t buy anything, and you’re telling yourself, “act natural, you’re innocent.”
My debit card feels more like a gift card…not sure how much is on this, but we’ll give it a try
friend: are you okay?
me: yeah im fine.
friend: what does “fine” mean??
me: it means im perfectly content but also wouldn’t mind if the sun exploded right now and killed us all
When someone sits in the empty seat beside you: flattered yet annoyed
When no one sits in the empty seat beside you: offended yet relieved
What a day!!!!!!!! nothing happened and i was tired
I don’t understand why I can never finish a bag of lettuce before it expires in a week but can finish a BUCKET of chocolate pretzels that is gunna be fine until 2025 in one sitting.
i’m just a bit*h with bad posture and an irregular sleeping schedule
*opens the groupchat at breakfast to backread like its the morning paper*
The beginning of the night vs the end of the night
The most relatable moment from spongebob for me is when he went over to Sandy’s house for the first time and was too polite and socially nervous to tell her he was slowly dying
When you have a bunch of great ideas and no actual skill to realize them
It’s like … you WANT long hair but short hair is so in and trendy rn. But every time you have short hair you want long hair, and when you have long hair you have this wild desire to just CHOP IT ALL OFF. Anyway, have a good day.
My response to “you should see a doctor” 98% of the time is just “haha yeah probably” followed by me not seeing a doctor
ou know how when you’re a fast walker and the guy ahead of you is fast too but only 90% as fast as you, so you MUST pass him, but to pass him you have to walk comically faster than your normal speed, or else you’ll be in his personal space too long as you pass? That’s annoying.
Me, tossing mediocre content into the internet void: Validate Me
*hears noises at night*: well this is it this is the end for me I had a good life
*gets shampoo in my eyes*: I guess I’m blind now how am I ever going to see my first born child
*heart is beating fast*: I think I am having a heart attack is this what cardiac arrest is
*a cop walks by*: here I go about to get arrested I probably murdered someone
*taking a test*: don’t take your eyes off of this paper you will get caught cheating and get kicked out of school and amount to nothing
*gets a sunburn*: great now I have skin cancer how will I tell my parents
*tripping over something*: I guess my leg will have to be amputated why did this happen to me
*period is late*: sh*t i’m pregnant i’m the next virgin mary