1. Parenting over 40 = constant physical pain.
As the 45-year old father of a toddler, I’m starting to accept that my back is just gonna hurt for the rest of my life.
2. It’s not a tease, it’s a threat.
As a 41yr old mom, it is actually a threat if I say I’ll send nudes
3. Is that the “old lady” from Titanic?
My 9-year-old described Celine Dion as ‘old pretty.’ Celine is a year younger than me.
4. Get used to buying diapers forever.
20 yrs ago, had you told me I’d be buying diapers at the age of 52, I would have assumed they were Depends.
5. Trying to keep up with little ones can be dangerous.
Took my kids to the playground, got a leg cramp. I’m too old for this.
6. Might as well be a Flintstones phone.
“Hey dad, you remember those old time phones?” “You mean the ones with the rotary dial?” “No, the ones that flip open.” Sigh.
7. Offense taken.
“Mommy, no offense, but you’re still gonna be alive when I’m like, 19, right?” my 6-year-old
My child just taught me how to copy and paste a link into a text, and BOOM, my mind is blown.
How does he know more about this than me?? Ooh yeah, he’s a kid and I’m 46.
9. Not the grandpa!
Never get tired of seeing people’s faces when my son corrects them that I am their dad, not grandpa
10. When the music of your youth becomes “classic rock.”
I just realized there’s a time when my baby will ask about my music and i’m say let’s YouTube 90s alternative… and now I’m sad
11. Real art tells the truth.
My sweet child.
12. Mom life means always having ibuprofen handy.
My right shoulder is legitimately sore because I wrenched it while reaching into the backseat to try to retrieve a thrown pacifier while driving. How sad is that?
13. Maybe the babysitter had a really YOUNG mom.
Found out my babysitter’s mom is younger than me. Ugh.
14. Ah, the fun games kids come up with.
Sophia is going through her friends, naming the ones that have moms that are younger than I am. Tons of fun on a Saturday morning.
15. Neck waddles are the new rattles.
You know you waited too long to have a baby when she can swing from your neck waddle.
16. Paper, plastic, or pity?
Check-out lady at the grocery store is exactly my age and tells me she’s having empty nest syndrome, with her 21 & 22 year olds just having moved out. I tell her I’m her age with a 3.5 and a 2 y.o. She responds, “oh bless you, baby, bless you!”
17. Timing is everything.
Just hoping that there is a window between when my kids stop using diapers and the spouse and I start
18. Does she make me look younger?
It’s funny when you bump into people you haven’t seen for a while. “Is this yours?” as they look at my young daughter surprisingly
19. Liz Phair and donuts…sounds pretty great, tbh.
Sing-humming Liz Phair’s “Supernova” as I make a post-sleepover donut run.
20. The pride you feel when your kid appreciates the classics.
Just watched the original Karate Kid with my son & it was the closest thing to a spiritual experience we’ve ever had.
21. Help! I sat on the floor and I can’t get up!
Thought I’d be an earth mama and nurse Alice while sitting cross legged on the floor and now I can’t get up.
22. Crack is whack.
When I put her down my cracking joints startle Ruby and she wakes up every time
23. You need the naps more than the toddler.
I’ve taken 2 naps today; toddler hasn’t even taken 1
24. Sticky floor > rebellious teenagers.
My high school classmates are posting photos of their kids graduating from high school…….and I’m over here all “Why is the floor sticky?!”
25. Your old school supplies are now artifacts.
Telling my 9 year old that I learned to type in high school and I start explaining how to use a typewriter. She interrupts and says, “I know what a typewriter looks like, I’ve been to museums.”
26. Looks like this kid’s on his way to a time out.
My son: Mom, how old are you?
Son: so is that old?
Me: um… not really
Son: well, looks like you’re on your way…