1. Meh, later.
*closes fridge door and hears stuff fall in it*
well… sounds like a problem for the next person
2. This is a hamper now.
…I only wore this shirt for a few hours while I was running errands, so i’ll just sit it right here cause it’s not dirty and i’ll probs just wear it again tomorrow.
3. Only one way to solve this mystery.
*googles number I don’t recognize calling me instead of answering*
4. If you can hear what I’m thinking, I’m sorry.
When you’re daydreaming about kinky shit in public and you suddenly you’re like “what if someone here’s a mind reader!!!”
5. This is probably fine.
I know that real adults do multiple loads of laundry for different colored clothes but I’ve been putting all my clothes in at the same time and I’m just saying nothing bad has happened yet
6. Better make sure.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
7. THIS MOVIE COULD BE OVER BY NOW.
villain: im gong to kill everyone if you don’t stop me tbh.
hero: if we kill this villain then we are just as bad as him
me watching: just kill him omfg…..
8. Where am I? What year is it?
when you’re a kid and you’re feeling weird and detached and you fall asleep in the late afternoon with school clothes still on and you wake up and its dark and dinner is almost done and time feels like a thick jelly
9. That seemed malicious.
i click on something on a sketchy site, it opens a popup? fine
i click on something on a sketchy site it opens a new tab? fine
i click on something on a sketchy site and it opens a new tab that exists for one millisecond before closing itself? …overwhelming sense of unease and dread
10. You’d all be lost without me.
Me:*changes the toilet paper roll*
Me:I am the backbone of this household
12. WHY DO I STILL USE CASH?
when the cashier gives u back ur change and ur putting it away but u cant do it fast enough and suddenly they’re holding out ur shopping bag and u have no hands and the coins are dropping to the ground and the bag goes up in flames and the cashier is crying and ur crying and ur wallet is screaming and ur descending into hell
13. Aww, that’s too bad.
when something bad happens to someone you dont like and you have to pretend you’re sad but on the inside you’re like
me: knows lbs is pronounced pounds my one braincell: libs
15. CHECKMATE, BIT*HES.
me: *acts out fake arguments in the shower just in case someone wants to start sh*t in the future*
16. Remember as a kid, when $20 was like, the most money you’d ever seen?
$20 is like an adult dollar
18. THIS. IS SO. RUSTIC.