My kid can tell me all about a 24 minute episode of Paw Patrol in 76 minutes.
2yo referred to her coat pockets as “snack holes” and this is what I shall forever call them
Every single conversation I have
with my kids
Me: What did you do at school today?
5-year-old: Learned about dragons.
Me: Your class learned about dragons?
5: I learned about dragons. I don’t know what everybody else was doing.
I’m sorry for the things I said while I was trying to get the kids to school on time.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
ME: too bad you won’t get to experience the joy of going into toys r us like i did
TODDLER: *removes wireless ear bud and looks up from ipad* i’m good
Hiding-while-pooping is my favorite thing about toddlers. I didn’t know it was a thing before kids. she creates a small, gated community or fort and you may not look at or speak to her for 10-15 mins. she will call for you, but it is a trick. you may not look.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Me: Looks like it’s time to play everyone’s favorite game!
Kids: *clapping and cheering excitedly*
Husband: No one wants to help you find your glasses.
Today my eight-year-old son said ‘what if the tooth fairy was real and she was collecting the teeth to build an army of teeth-people’
My 3yo said she wanted to be an astronaut, and I said she had to study hard, go to college, learn a lot of science, and take a physical fitness test, and she shrugged and said, “That’s just 4 things.” So she’s basically a nonchalant motivational speaker.
The average child uses 16,000 feet of scotch tape in a day.
Parenting is a lot easier if you are comfortable with bribery and lies.
Me: I was thinking we could plant a garden this summer. What should we grow?
Me: *pulls summer school flyer out of recycling bin*
My 4yo talks a lot of smack for someone wearing crocs on the wrong feet.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Letting my kid watch Jurassic Park for the first time.
Me: This came out in 1993. This came out when *I* was *your* age.
Kid: Oh, like when the dinosaurs were really still around?
My 3-year-old has figured out how to be super annoying without actually misbehaving. How quickly the student becomes the teacher.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
These are the kind of quality photos I send my mom of her grandkids, because I tried my best.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
I can’t seem to find an emoticon of a woman silently weeping next to a pile of unfolded laundry.
Imagine a sprinkler stuck in the on position and instead of water it’s shooting out words. That’s what it’s like with kids.
Pretty sure I could get my kid to do practically anything as long as they think I’m going to make a YouTube video about it.
I really appreciate how patient the two year old’s new friend is.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E. Cheese is only open once a year.
If you think you’re your own worst critic, have kids
“She poops too much.”
- my son’s review of his new baby sister
[at bus stop]
ME: you brush your teeth bud?
SON: UMMMM NO BUT I DID LAST NIGHT
SON: AT LEAST I THINK I DID
SON: YEAH. I DID.
ME: *rubs temples slowly*
Every meal with my kids is 15 hours long.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
My 6yo thinks that Good Friday is called Freaky Friday and I’m not correcting her.
This is the best day of my life!
-my 5yo after riding an escalator.
(Really glad we took that Disney trip last year.)
“Apologize for yelling at your mother. We don’t yell at her, she yells at us.”
-my husband, clearly the only person who understands the rules around here
That damn tooth fairy didn’t show last night. She is so disappointing.
My 10 year old created a shared Google doc to chat with his friends and it’s the most adorably nerdy solution to “my mom won’t let me have a social media account” that I’ve seen in a while
My husband bought our 3y.o. a police light, complete with siren, to attach to his bike, so I guess we’re going to need couple’s counseling now.
My family and i just got ice cream and were sitting on a park bench when some guy walked by and said, “isn’t it a little too early for ice cream” to which my son responds “could be worse. we could have beers” and i’ve never been more proud.
A cool thing about having kids is that you can get out of doing stuff you don’t wanna do by telling people your kid is sick.
It’s the first day of summer break and my kids are on #72 of the 75 fun summer activities we had planned.
Toddler: MOM I POOPED ON THE POTTY
Me: good job!
Toddler: AND NOT ON MY UNDIES
Me: i’m proud of you
Toddler: AND NOT ON MY PANTS
Toddler: AND NOT ON THE TOOTHBRUSHES
Me: wait what
The recipe for disaster:
1) Have kids
Kids may dance like nobody’s watching, but they also pick their nose like nobody’s watching. So we’ll call it a draw.
If they ever did an olympic event for kids who put empty cereal boxes back in the cupboard, my kids would take gold.
My favorite thing about buying food in bulk is when my kids immediately decide that they now hate that food.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
You’re going to miss this, I whisper to myself as I’m shot in the butt with a nerf gun while unclogging the toilet.