Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
therapist: you need to open up more
me: i can’t
therapist: why not
me: let me visualise it for you
me, at a club: do you take requests?
DJ: yeah what’s up
me: *slides over $10* please turn it down
I get so mad when people ask what i’m gonna do on my day off!!!! bit*h i’m gonna recover from all my days on
My customer service voice is the fakest bit*h. I don’t know her
The most important thing I’ve learned in life, and I can’t stress this enough: you gotta make a salad in a bigger bowl than you think
You’re never too old to say “horses” when you drive past some horses
If I tell you I’m 5 minutes away and you believe me that is your own personal problem
“Ahhh fu*k” – me realizing tonight is the fun concert I excitedly bought tickets for
Me checking my bank account and calling my friends to make plans anyway
i just don’t think we should be expected to do something every day
Ladies, rt if you know what’s up. My bf doesn’t believe me that other girls do this when they’re mad
There’s plenty of fish in the sea but you know what else there is? Trash. There is a lot of trash in the sea.
“you always look tired”
BECAUSE I AM TIRED BIT*H
I wonder how old i’ll be when i stop throwing up a peace sign every time somebody puts the camera on me
Sorry i’m late I sat on my bed in a towel for an hour staring at the wall
I’d rather die than make two trips carrying in groceries!
*handing my hairdresser a picture of when I was happy*
i wanna look like this lol
I took a side profile to see how my nose looked and idk what I was expecting to see but I think I just hurt my own feelings
Been prototyping this diet lately:
1pm: 1 small orange
4pm: 1 bowl of grain based substance
9pm: 1400-calorie junk food “chaos meal”
You don’t gain any weight and you’re tired all the time. It’s win win
When the microwave do all that damn poppin but your food still cold.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
When I say “I’ll let you know”…
Index Finger Rips Into Toilet Paper Package Like Velociraptor Claw
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Wanna feel attacked???? Wear ripped jeans to any family event
My debit card feels more like a gift card…not sure how much is on this, but we’ll give it a try
The famous cookout table legs
Why do airplane tickets have to be so expensive!! Having separate continents is so stupid retweet if you miss pangaea
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
ME: I look cute
MIRRORS: you look cute
STORE WINDOWS: you look cute
OTHER PEOPLE: you look cute
IPHONE FORWARD-FACING CAMERA: what’s up you Shrek-lookin bag of bit*h
When someone sits in the empty seat beside you: flattered yet annoyed
When no one sits in the empty seat beside you: offended yet relieved
me driving: “i’ll hit you bit*h” me walking: “hit me bit*h”
I don’t understand why I can never finish a bag of lettuce before it expires in a week but can finish a BUCKET of chocolate pretzels that is gunna be fine until 2025 in one sitting.
It’s like … you WANT long hair but short hair is so in and trendy rn. But every time you have short hair you want long hair, and when you have long hair you have this wild desire to just CHOP IT ALL OFF. Anyway, have a good day.
My 3 brain cells
When you become a grown up, people stop asking you what your favourite dinosaur is.
They don’t even care.
You know how when you’re a fast walker and the guy ahead of you is fast too but only 90% as fast as you, so you MUST pass him, but to pass him you have to walk comically faster than your normal speed, or else you’ll be in his personal space too long as you pass? That’s annoying.
me: sorry, i can’t. i’m swamped right now.
narrator: he was not. he was looking at pictures of dogs that ate bees.
A tragedy: when your hair-wash cycle doesn’t coordinate w/ an event & you overestimate the amount of time in which your hair can last w/o being washed