1. On the REAL parenting struggle
[finally gets the car seat installed correctly]
Me: Where’s the baby?
Wife: In college.
2. On learning the difficult lessons
Asked to switch seats on the plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby. Apparently, that’s not allowed if the baby is yours.
3. On wondering if you’re cut out for this
Dr: Would you like to hold ur baby?
[flashback to when someone handed me a burrito & it slipped from my hands to the floor]
Me: that’s ok
4. On proving classic euphemisms dead wrong
I just realized that I have now literally cried over spilt milk.
5. On wardrobe changes — yours, not the baby’s
Don’t get attached to your outfit because it will end up with puke on it
6. On that damn “mom brain” thing that arrives with a vengeance
Lost my keys between turning the car off and getting out of it.
7. And on dad brain, which is totally a thing, too
Woke up to my sleeping husband sitting on the edge of the bed rocking his pillow. So there’s that.
8. On the difficulties of choosing just the right moniker
The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate
9. On feeling like an actual zombie
For Halloween this year I’m going to shower & put on makeup & do my hair & dress up as a human. It will be spooky.
10. On worrying all. the. freakin’. time
Googling Literally Everything: A New Mom’s Story
11. On really wishful thinking
FYI you can’t snooze the baby monitor
12. On those new parent nerves
Nothing better than spending an entire morning staring into my baby daughter’s eyes, whispering, “I can’t do this”.
13. On wondering if your baby is mocking you
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
14. On looking a little less than glamorous these days
Just changed out of my “day sweatpants” into my “night sweatpants.”
15. On embracing that little bit of quiet time a new parent gets
Is it normal to love your babies/kids more when they’re sleeping?
16. On how hard it is to find time for intimacy
You know you’re a new mom when you say things like “The most action I’ve seen lately has been from my breast pump.”
17. On the gift that keeps on giving
Another surprise benefit of having a baby is using my new swaddling skills to roll a tight, tight burrito.
18. On that moment you realize there’s no going back
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one