1. This classic tune
My wife told me I need to quit playing Wonderwall on guitar.
I said maybe
2. This conspiracy coincidence
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar…
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.
3. This perfect pun
Why do Norwegian ships have barcodes on them?
So when they return to port they can Scandinavian.
4. This savage Snape
Why doesn’t Voldemort have glasses? Nobody nose.
5. This American law
A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room
He says to the police officer “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present”
“You are the lawyer” says the policeman
“Exactly, so where’s my present?”
6. This dog-related dad joke.
Dogs can’t do X-Rays…
…But Cats can.
*walks into Doctors*
Me: Doc, I need help, I’m addicted to Twitter
Doc: I’m sorry, I don’t follow you
8. This corduroy pillowcase
Have you heard the news about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines!
9. This romantic dish date
Two satellite dishes met on a roof.
They fell in love.
They got married.
The reception was brilliant.
10. This math magic
An infinite number of of mathematicians walk into a bar.
1st one: “I’ll have a beer.”
2nd: “I’ll have half a beer.”
3rd: “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.”
4th: “I’ll have…”
The bartender slams two beers on the bar. “You all need to know your limits.”
11. This literary line
What did Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes…
12. This play on words
They all laughed at me when I told them that one day I’d discover the secret to invisibility
If only they could see me now
13. This ultimate difference
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter
14. This poor kitty-cat
Did you hear about the cat that swallowed a ball of wool?
She had mittens
15. This medical marvel
What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.
16. This obvious answer
What does a panda use to fry eggs?
A pan. Duh.
17. This genuine concern
“If the Energizer Bunny were arrested, would he be charged with battery?”
18. This grammar god
19. This tense exchange
The Past…The Present and the Future walk into a bar
It was Tense
20. And, finally, this musical mess
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Via BuzzFeed, Preview photo credit: harrypotter.wikia.com/