STOP POLLUTING THE ENVIRONMENT
Once i buy an overpriced planner for the school year that will help me pretend i have my life together for only about a month, its over for you hoes
Have not stopped laughing at this text from my dad, a copy editor for Christ, since i got it yesterday
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Doctor: [handing me my new born baby] I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
Me: [handing baby back to him] bring me the one my wife made
My money is on the live wolves.
my grandpa got bitten by a spider and he was really upset so i went to get some cream but before i could leave the room i heard him say “at this age i can’t handle the responsibility of being a spiderman”
He fu*king got me..
I wanna know who the pirate girl is
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
my grandma caught my sister with a boy in her room
This was on my parents cruise breakfast bar this morning… shreks head
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*