Let your date know you’re cultured by taking her to the symphony and saying “oh okay cool they’re doing it that way” when the oboes kick in
your dating profile: i LOVE adventures
me: sounds like i’d have to do stuff. next–>
date: you look upset
me: [thinking about how she just covered her fries in ketchup instead of putting it on the side] it’s nothing
[first date] are you mad at me?
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Him: Let’s do it doggy-style
Me: I prefer catty-style
Him: oo what’s tha-
Me: *already pushing him off the bed*
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
DATE: I love women that are extremely honest
ME: [winking seductively] You are wearing too much cologne & it’s giving me a headache
date: i love your shoes!
me: ugh, these old things? they were free
date: take the compliment!
me: no like a kid stole them, threw them over a guard rail & they hit me on the head
me: ya turns out they used to belong to some basketball star
date: this is ‘holes’
Saw a couple holding hands while jogging and it made me hopeful that one day I will meet someone who will hate them with me.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
him: let’s go check out the beds ;)
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
[me experimenting with dirty talk] Hey pal. You ok? You ok In there?
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Date: why do you guard your plate every time the waiter walks past?
Me: *remembering the time he took it when I still had some ketchup left* we can’t trust this guy Brian
(holding hands star gazing)
Her: Watcha thinkin’ about?
Me: *looks in her eyes* Potato chips.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real