ME: How’d you guys get your nicknames?
MURDER MIKE: Murder.
DRUG DOUG: Drugs.
FU*KED A LAMP POST LARRY: uhh murder drugs
Ukulele bit*hes: wæįse mæñ šæÿ…œńłÿ füûls rúùśh în…büt æÿêëę cæhñt hêælp…fælłiîng įn lłøūve wîth ÿõû
Y’all wanna see every feeling at once?
[holding my grubby little hands out like a bowl] please sis I want some tea
ppl always telling me not to put all my eggs in 1 basket im like buddy … bold of u to assume i even have a basket
Me to my pets at 3 a.m.
Apparently it’s rude to poke a stranger’s forehead and say “skip intro” when they start talking to you.
*jeff buckley hallelujah voice* despacito
ELLEN: so i hear u tweet about wanting to die
ME: haha yeah, i do
*Death comes out, creeps up behind me*
ME: omg ellen you didnt
imagine having a cute lil wine night with the gals and not endin up fu*kin hammered singing abba songs & texting all the wrong people. could never be me unfortunately
Today a woman on my bus asked if my phone’s wallpaper was my girlfriend and I said yes.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Another troll obliterated
[Plato returns from the dead]
Plato: so who’s that girl, are you together?
Me: nah, it’s purely platonic.
Plato: …what does platonic mean?
Me: it means we don’t have sex.
Plato: what the fu*k
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
B. Cooper and L. Gaga.
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel people in their stomach.
IS THIS GONE GIRL
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Don’t forget where we came from