ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
HIM: I have a chocolate lab.
ME (awestruck whisper): ᵂᶦˡˡʸ ᵂᵒⁿᵏᵃ
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it
me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Can’t believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
[first day as a server]
me: how would u like your steak
person: well done
me: thank you that’s so kind it’s my first day & i’m very nervous
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
DOG: I think that job interview went well!
*looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a
[while being tackled by police dog] what’s his name?
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
“Boop” – Zebra walking past a self service checkout.
cop: have you been drinking
cop: can you blow into this
me: is… that soup?
cop: it’s too hot