[jesus washing disciples feet]
jesus: this…this is weird isnt it
Me @ the pope when he goes past in the popemobile
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
IM CRYING LAUGHING
Noah: Two? Why two of every animal?
[God whispers in Noah's ear]
Noah: nice lol
priest: body of Christ
me: which part
priest: no the wafer is merely a symbo-
me: u got a thigh left
Waiter: “Would you like a drink?”
Jesus: “Water is fine.”
Jesus: [looks directly into camera]
If you want to read Shrek’s favorite verse in the Bible just open up to Psalm –
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
Judas: still on for Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me: “bad friday”
By this age I thought I’d be more successful.
JESUS: so I’m u
JESUS: and ur me
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
don’t u think that mary just cheated on joseph and her cover story got a bit out of hand
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
[jesus breaks bread] this is my body
[pours wine] this is my blood
[opens a jar of mayonnaise]
judas: i’m gonna stop you right there..
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right