My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can’t remember… I think her name was Reese something?
DAD: No, it was with a knife…
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell “Donald, duck!”
What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language
When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that’s a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there!
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?” What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter’s car seat with one hand and said, “How do one armed mothers do it?” Without missing a beat I replied, “Single handedly.”
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
MOM: “How do I look?” DAD: “With your eyes.”
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNS!”
My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.
I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said, “But dad, your name is Brian.” I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”
Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm it would be justwater.
Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea!
3 unwritten rules of life…
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.