My kids overheard me call our Christmas tree a thirsty bit*h when I was filling its stand with water
Prof_Hinkley / Via twitter.com


NotAgainBen / Via twitter.com

The twelve days of Christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
TweetPotato314 / Via twitter.com


BoringEnormous / Via twitter.com

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
markhoppus / Via twitter.com

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
mommajessiec / Via twitter.com

Gollum: (chewing on turtle doves)
I fu*kin’ love this song
C00LpenNAME / Via twitter.com

I’m 45 and I would still be tickled pink to wake up Christmas morning to a Barbie Dream House with accessories.
freefanaddict / Via twitter.com

me: [breaking awkward silence on drive home] O Tannenbaum, O Holy Night, O Little Town of Bethlehem, O Come All Ye Faithful, O-
wife: i don’t care how many songs you list, you don’t ask the choir to “show me your O faces”
daemonic3 / Via twitter.com

I can tell by your family Christmas card that we are not in the same tax bracket.
mommajessiec / Via twitter.com

anybody: i love this time of year!
me: you mean you ove it
anybody: what
me: cause there’s Noel
tiemoose / Via twitter.com

Her: I really can’t stay
Baby: it’s cold outside
Me: holy sh*t a talking baby
fro_vo / Via twitter.com

Her: 5 golden rings, 4 calling birds, 3 french hens, 2 turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree
Me: yes, that’s right
Her: ok, do u want any ranch or honey mustard?
sonictyrant / Via twitter.com

Me: I’m excited to eat whatever is inside this advent calendar
Wife: we don’t have an advent calendar
Me: *punching a hole in the drywall* mmm looks like more of that cotton candy
LlamaInaTux / Via twitter.com

mariah carey: all i want for christmas is…
soulja boy: youuuuuuuuuuu
TuSoonShakur / Via twitter.com

Relative at Christmas *opening front door* it’s the most wonderful time of the y-
Me *carrying bags in* what’s the wi-fi password
ArfMeasures / Via twitter.com

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
- looking for shells on the north pole beach
stevevsninjas / Via twitter.com

Ladies, if he gives you:
12 drummers
11 pipers
10 lords
9 ladies
8 maids
7 swans
6 geese
5 gold rings
4 calling birds
3 french hens
2 turtle doves
1 partridge in a pear tree
he’s not your true love. he’s wanted in multiple states for kidnapping and unlawful possession of birds.
_ElvishPresley_ / Via twitter.com

Her: I really can’t stay
Me, an introvert: aw that’s too bad
FrazzleMyGimp / Via twitter.com

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
sarcasticmommy4 / Via twitter.com

[to the tune of mr brightside]
now he’s making a list
and he’s checking it twice
and he’s gonna find out
who’s been naughty or nice
tiemoose / Via twitter.com

Via BuzzFeed, Preview photo credit: NotAgainBen / Twitter