I was watching a true crime show with my mother when I said, “These shows are so sad. The victims always seem like such beautiful, wonderful people.” My mom said, “Well, I guess you’re safe, then.”
Melanie Schneiderman / Via facebook.com
Our friend’s college posted a photo of our friend at the library on their official Instagram. His mom reposted it to Facebook saying, “So he does know where the library is!”
nanticokewright / Via buzzfeed.com
I was having lunch with my mom and 87-year-old grandpa when the topic of relationships came up. My mom offered some unsolicited advice, so I said, “You’ve been married three times, so I’ll pass on the advice.” Grandpa then said, “At least she got three men to ask her.” I’m 35, unmarried, and still feeling the burn.
dreamapaige / Via buzzfeed.com
I was talking to my 12-year-old sister about an upcoming date I had with a guy I met online. The guy was super hot so I was proudly showing off his picture. My sister looked at it, then looked up at me and said, “Does he know what YOU look like?”
lesliee40850fcd9 / Via buzzfeed.com
One of the girls in my history class asked the teacher, “Are we having that stupid test today?” He replied, “No, we’re having a test on Imperialism. If we were having a stupid test, you’d pass.”
storkbutt / Via buzzfeed.com
As a new teacher — whenever a student would blurt something out without being called on — I would say, “I can’t hear people who don’t raise their hands.” I came to regret that when I told one student to stop his side conversation and he replied, “I didn’t raise my hand, so how did you hear me?”
jamiel41849447e / Via buzzfeed.com
I always had to retake my school photos when I was a kid. I asked my Dad if it was him or my Mom who made me re-take them. He said it was at the school’s request.
adamjunrein / Via buzzfeed.com
I was in a Shakespeare production touring colleges, and after a show we did a Q&A where some kid stood up and used his question to ask me for my number. I said, “Why? Do you need a babysitter?” The whole school went “Ooooh!” for a solid minute.
brookel42b537b81 / Via buzzfeed.com
The sickest burns are usually well deserved. I was moving a couch with my wife and I didn’t feel she was lifting it high enough, so I told her, “I should’ve married a man.” She replied, “Me too.”
Conrad Brosas / Via facebook.com
I have three herniated discs and am always complaining to my students about my back going out. One day one of them told another, “Your GPA is weaker than Ms. Plant’s back.”
Alaina Demicia Plant / Via facebook.com
One day in middle school my friends and I were all coincidentally wearing either pink or yellow shirts. We got into a fight with a random girl at the park, and when we were walking away she screamed after us, “What are you gonna do, strawberry lemonade?”
hollisl4d528cac4 / Via buzzfeed.com
A kid in my class got suspended for smoking weed at school. The next day, the substitute teacher was taking attendance and read his name. We all explained why he wasn’t there, and the sub goes, “Ah, so then he won’t be ‘jointing’ us today?”
emnurse / Via buzzfeed.com
I was carrying my 2-year-old son to the car when we passed this little souped up Honda with a teenager proudly leaning on it. My son pointed to the car and yelled, “It’s a baby car!” The teenager didn’t look too happy to be burned by a toddler.
norty / Via buzzfeed.com
At daycare drop off two moms were arguing about parking in front of the door. One mom told the other, “It’s a fire hazard to park there!” The other pointed at her and said, “Well, it’s a hazard to look like that!”
tatiiii_g / Via buzzfeed.com
One day during class I was in a cheeky mood and held up a blank piece of paper to my friend and said, “I bet this is what your mind looks like.” Without skipping a beat she replied, “Oh, I thought it was the list of people who actually love you.”
jackie811 / Via buzzfeed.com
At work my boss asked, “Can I ask a stupid question?” My reply? “Better than anybody here.” Luckily my boss had a sense of humor!
erniet494796dc6 / Via buzzfeed.com
A girl once said she wanted to be a trophy wife. My friend said, “All you could be is a participation trophy wife.”
ashleyb46cf38afd / Via buzzfeed.com
Via BuzzFeed, Preview photo credit: MTV