Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
simoncholland / Via twitter.com

My 6-year-old called ranch dressing “salad frosting” and now I’ll never call it anything else.
XplodingUnicorn / Via twitter.com

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
HenpeckedHal / Via twitter.com

If you’ve never turned the volume on your car stereo up to drown out the sounds of your kids, are you really even a parent?
R_A_Dadass / Via twitter.com

Wife: She’s wearing her princess dress. Pretend you’re her servant.
Me: Pretend?
daddysdigest / Via twitter.com

Our youngest lightly bumped into something if you’re wondering why she’s wearing 37 band-aids.
moooooog35 / Via twitter.com

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
baronvonbike / Via twitter.com

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
TheCatWhisprer / Via twitter.com

*gets kids to school on time*
*adds snail herder to resume*
R_A_Dadass / Via twitter.com

My son just complained that we eat pizza too often.
I’ve never been speechless before.
DadandBuried / Via twitter.com

We need a Disney princess that screams when her hair is brushed, gets super amped right before bed, and eats like 3 things for dinner ever.
FredTaming / Via twitter.com

My patience is a tree. My child is a saw. The results are predictable.
daddydoubts / Via twitter.com

Me: Get up.
6-year-old: Why?
Me: It’s Monday.
6: I can’t do this every week.
XplodingUnicorn / Via twitter.com

Instead of day drinking we get to take our kid to a birthday party and stand around with our hands in our pockets listening to kids cough.
simoncholland / Via twitter.com

Do I miss having time to myself and sleeping through the night since my kid was born? Yes. But would I give up being a father just for the sake of the extra time in bed on the weekends? Hang on I’m thinking
thedad / Via twitter.com

Had no idea I would get into so much trouble as an adult until my 3-year-old started saying “but daddy does it” every time she gets in trouble.
TheCatWhisprer / Via twitter.com

Son: Hey dad
Son: okay but the trailer for the new Call of Duty game just came out
moooooog35 / Via twitter.com

hey guys, thanks for inviting me out for drinks tonight but do you remember a couple of years ago I had that baby? well, he’s still around, so no
thedad / Via twitter.com

Me: What did you do at school?
8-year-old: Cartwheels.
Me: Gym or recess?
8: Math.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
XplodingUnicorn / Via twitter.com

Sometimes while he sleeps, we’ll stand over his bed and admire this human we’ve brought into the world. In those moments it’s hard not to want another child. But by morning he’s awake. And we’re sober.
And fuuuuuuuuck that.
daddydoubts / Via twitter.com

I don’t get why people think getting kids to bed is hard all my son needs is:

A drink of water
4 songs from Daddy
A trip to the potty
Superman flight to bed
An inventory of his stuffed animals
A tissue
2 more songs
Look at my watch for 45 seconds
And all of this 7 more times
TwinzerDad / Via twitter.com

Via BuzzFeed, Preview photo credit: XplodingUnicorn / twitter.com