Dude 1: Hey, bro?
Dude 2: yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure
JohnBecicka / Via twitter.com
When the moon hits your knees
And you mispronounce trees
ftrain / Via twitter.com
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
KylePlantEmoji / Via twitter.com
Me: can I have a turn in the hedge now
AbbieEvansXO / Via twitter.com
It’s called synesthesia, maybe you’ve tasted it
c12h22o11balls / Via twitter.com
*using Ouija board*
“hello, is there anyone there”
“ah damnit this is a Soulja board*
poastsbymatt / Via twitter.com
Every guy I know named Hunter looks more like a gatherer.
mondaypunday / Via twitter.com
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
PhilJamesson / Via twitter.com
Me: how do I do my taxes
Public School: shut the fu*k up and square dance
markedly / Via twitter.com
Him: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Gooooats / Via twitter.com
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
peachesanscream / Via twitter.com
What’s made of brass, and, sounds like Tom Jones?
Chris_M_Green / Via twitter.com
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
meganamram / Via twitter.com
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Tommytoughstuff / Via twitter.com
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. You also miss 92% of the shots you take. You’re off the team, is what I’m trying to say.
RiverClegg / Via twitter.com
*i walk in the room with hot dogs taped to my fingers like wolverine*
Mark Cuban: I’m listening
Barknado69 / Via twitter.com
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
msdanifernandez / Via twitter.com
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Home_Halfway / Via twitter.com