Me: the eagles won last night— rudy mustang (@rudy_mustang) February 5, 2018
Co worker: oh did you watch the game
Me: *covered in blood and scratches* what game
[grocery produce aisle]— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) March 19, 2016
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Danny-DevitoTrashMan / Via reddit.com
I can't believe people don't eat the crust like wtf it's part of the food, it's fantastic even if it doesn't taste the same as the rest of the watermelon— Slimecicle (@Slimecicle) June 28, 2019
Is it "fleek" or "on fleek"? I want grandmas eulogy to be just right.— Mike, The Egg Disliker (@MikeCanRant) March 30, 2015
me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier— Kellen (@captainkalvis) January 12, 2018
sperm bank employee: what glass of milk
me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk
sperm bank employee: oh my god
sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk
Knugsters / Via reddit.com
ME: isn't this great??— mauled by dog (@hippieswordfish) November 3, 2015
WIFE: not really
ME: *looks down from the top bunk* what's wrong
[gun goes off]—joeg (@gojarbe) September 5, 2015
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
My son was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” I told him they were water. Then he asked “Dad, what’s the Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again with his eyes obsidian black “what is the defense system father”— IP IP IP IP IP IP IP IP IP IP IP! (@AintNoDylanBih) July 19, 2018
I was raised as an only child. My siblings took it pretty hard— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) April 16, 2016
*cop pulls me over*— bones morguensen (@SconesMortensen) July 16, 2015
COP: please blow into this, sir
ME: *plays trumpet perfectly*
COP: okay you're definitely sober and way cool
Yes, judge I do have something to say. If you truly are what you eat then I am an innocent man. Thank you.— Truckstop Vigilante (@BRENTHOR) December 18, 2014
accountant: "youre basically broke"— k e i t h (@KeetPotato) October 27, 2015
wife: "he keeps spending money on stupid stuff"
me: "lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid"
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) January 7, 2015
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) January 10, 2014
*Gets down on one knee*
Help my knee is made of magnets
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) April 20, 2018
kaijuerotica / Via tumblr.com