*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Six_Pack_Mom / Via twitter.com

Husband: *crying* Please don’t do this to our family. I beg you.
Me: *adding another diy home improvement to my Pinterest board*
mommajessiec / Via twitter.com

Me: I’m mad at myself, and I don’t know why.
Wife: Would you like some reasons?
XplodingUnicorn / Via twitter.com

Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn’t wanna share.
ValeeGrrl / Via twitter.com

Before you marry someone:
1. Listen to them eat a bowl of cereal.
2. Ask them which side of the bed they sleep on.
3. Watch them brush their teeth.
4. Make sure you are temperature compatible.
5. Survive one cold and flu season at minimum.
Parkerlawyer / Via twitter.com

Marriage is reminding one about a conversation you know you had while the other swears it never happened.
ThisOneSayz / Via twitter.com

I kind of wish my spouse would get a side piece but only for talking endlessly about our home security system.
BoomBoomBetty / Via twitter.com

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
tchrquotes / Via twitter.com

Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.
bourgeoisalien / Via twitter.com

Marriage is saying you’re not mad but he says you sound like you’re mad & by the end of it all you end up being mad.
sarcasticmommy4 / Via twitter.com

You may be married but you aren’t married married until you are in a home furnishings store together and you brought your own tape measure.
simoncholland / Via twitter.com

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
TheCatWhisprer / Via twitter.com

Marriage is just texting each other “Do we need anything from the grocery store?” a bunch of times until one of you dies.
DanielRCarrillo / Via twitter.com

I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
crunchenhanced / Via twitter.com

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
david8hughes / Via twitter.com

90% of being married is just shouting “what” from other rooms
KeetPotato / Via twitter.com

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
simoncholland / Via twitter.com

My husband can sleep through anything except me shining a tiny light briefly on the book I’m reading in bed.
wife_housy / Via twitter.com

me: I’m a man. I do what I want, when I- *checks phone to make sure I didn’t accidentally call my wife and she can’t hear me* when I want
iwearaonesie / Via twitter.com

Best part of being married is guilt-free double dipping.
MikeFalzone / Via twitter.com

My husband doesn’t seem to realize I’m mad at him which is ridiculous because I just spent the last 20 min convincing him I’m not mad at him
LurkAtHomeMom / Via twitter.com

Husband and I have great balance in our marriage: he removes unwanted insects from the house and I eat all the chocolate
MumInBits / Via twitter.com

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
ravenswng_ / Via twitter.com

Coffee is like marriage. First it’s really hot. Then it’s just right. Then it helps you get off your a*s and do things.
yoyoha / Via twitter.com

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
iwearaonesie / Via twitter.com

Via BuzzFeed, Preview photo credit: XplodingUnicorn / twitter.com