nobody:— guy who likes jokes (@jacksxnenstrom) February 4, 2019
Italic letters: pic.twitter.com/2C0B3d6VtO
Date: I love car chase action scenes— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) June 26, 2018
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we're done here
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh sh*t is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight— old tom (@YuckyTom) March 1, 2019
*tightens straps on electric chair*— Brandon the Cow (@Brampersandon_) November 26, 2014
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Me when I’m on the phone to my friend Colin and the receptions bad: pic.twitter.com/D5ZoBQp9Sr— Paul Black (@paulbIack) May 17, 2019
Sick of having to go to 2 different huts to buy pizza & sunglasses.— blake (@Leemanish) March 24, 2013
me: i’m being haunted by the movie grease— elvish presley (@_elvishpresley_) September 24, 2019
therapist: tell me more
oh my god, i need this to be me in 20 years pic.twitter.com/xJ4RIrpBiD— sadly not a nun until my husband dies (@hashtag_dta) August 10, 2019
bourgeoisalien / Via twitter.com
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 25, 2013
the boos in luigi’s mansionpic.twitter.com/rM4bFBLWr6— g✧soiid (@nightcoreboi) November 4, 2019
"Do you have Coke"— BeardSpice (@BeardSpice) September 30, 2014
No, is Pepsi okay
"Do you have updog"
"Haha not much and no Pepsi is absolutely not okay"
Me: Last name Ever, First name Greatest— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) November 11, 2018
Starbucks barista: I’m not writing that.
elliesunakawa / Via twitter.com
DauntingToaster / Via twitter.com
rudy_mustang / Via twitter.com
My annoying a*s being annoying then getting shocked when someone actually gets annoyed. pic.twitter.com/jxwKpcTdXC— Ben Hall (@MrBenLHall) February 12, 2019
if i die and come back as a hillbilly is that called reintarnation— slutty satanist (@_garbage_girl_) March 20, 2019
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?— Marf (@MarfSalvador) February 15, 2017
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about 'Derek & Stephanie 2'
Wooooaaah…— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) January 17, 2019
We're half way there,
priest: it be like that sometimes— madison!!! (@madisonfrench_) November 5, 2018
congregation: and sometimes like that it be
[first day as a bartender]— Kyle (@KylePlantEmoji) May 23, 2018
Customer: I'll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don't know how to tell you this
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start— FroVo (@fro_vo) January 6, 2018
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Me: can I have a turn in the hedge now— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) July 1, 2019
PRIEST: Do you take Florence to be your wife?— Terry F (@daemonic3) July 23, 2016
THE MACHINE: I do
PRIEST: Does anyone have anything-
RAGE: [from the back] I'M AGAINST THIS
ogbellafahmi / Via twitter.com
date: can you take off your work gloves— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) October 4, 2019
Jim Henson: they have names