My wife and I are to the point where all I have to do is text her "Hey" and she'll text back "They're on the dresser."— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) November 14, 2020
My wife, ladies and gentlemen pic.twitter.com/dH66tWoeYe— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 16, 2020
Me: happy anniversary!— Village Person (@SvnSxty) August 6, 2020
Wife: *eyes narrow*
Wife: I just think it would be more romantic if you didn't say that every morning just in case
DATING: can’t wait to see you again— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 21, 2020
MARRIAGE: part of your knee was on my side of the bed again last night
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) November 9, 2020
Me:— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 16, 2020
Me: (stands up)
Wife: While you’re up….
ME: *blows out my birthday candles— FAT GANDALF (@sofarrsogud) November 6, 2020
WIFE: Did you make a wish?
ME: Yes I did.
WIFE: *sighs* Did you wish that squirrels could roar like lions, again?
ME: Yes I did.
10% of marriage is texting each other “Where are you?” from inside the same store.— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) July 31, 2020
Wife: What are you wearing?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 31, 2020
Me: I wanted to make a statement.
Wife: Was that statement "I don't know how to dress myself?"
Him: Do you sleep with a fan?— The Dad (@thedad) October 17, 2020
Me: I'd say my wife mostly likes me, but fan is pushing it
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) September 1, 2020
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
I’m no expert on women but making them a grilled cheese with the butter spread all the way to the edges is undefeated.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 1, 2020
Being the first to fall asleep at night is such a marriage flex.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 12, 2020
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them— Stone (@StoneAgeRadio13) August 28, 2020
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Wife: What the hell are you doing?— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 20, 2020
Me [ironing bathrobe]: getting my work clothes ready
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice— ADHDeanBLM (@ADHDeanASL) August 19, 2020
My wife and I are both working from home.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 2, 2020
She microwaved fish.
Time to alert HR.
Wife: I made a cake.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 28, 2020
Me: What's the occasion?
Wife: I wanted cake.
The best occasion of all.
My wife got a Yankee Candle coupon and I’m not sure if we can afford to save this much money.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 9, 2020
Preview photo credit: HenpeckedHal / twitter.com