Does anyone have directions to that village everyone says will raise my children?— Not Your Trending Mom (@notyrtrendngmom) July 2, 2020
It sounds wonderful.
My 8 year old daughter just yelled “Oh no the toilet is smoking!!” My wife and I ran to the bathroom to find this. It’s just day 4 of home school. pic.twitter.com/tG92vJPOtR— Matthew Berry (@MatthewBerryTMR) March 19, 2020
Quarantine without kids = staycation Quarantine with kids = hostage situation— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) March 15, 2020
Can anyone recommend a good wine that pairs well with a teenager's sh*tty attitude?— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 27, 2019
Isolation’s going well pic.twitter.com/XqY58BC8aC— Clare (@clare_doc) March 19, 2020
My son who has just learned how babies are made looked at me and my husband then at his two brothers and said ‘you guys had three sexes right’ so sometimes having kids is kind of alright— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) July 3, 2020
My daughter split 96 in half and got a number in the 400s…— Spark Plug (@SparKLeShiNes) May 3, 2020
IF YOU GOT 6 FCKIN APPLES
My daughter is crying because her sister farted and I sprayed air freshener before she had a chance to sniff it. I’m raising savages.— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) July 3, 2020
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 24, 2019
My 5-year-old asked me what a poop hole does. After an impromptu lesson on the digestive system, I realized he actually said “pupil.”— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 26, 2020
Next lesson: Enunciation
My teenager thinks we live in a hotel now! pic.twitter.com/tsK48qt3VU— Gerry Dee (@gerrydee) April 1, 2020
My son asked me what does WiFi stand for & I told him it's named after its inventor William Filliam— joe heenan (@joeheenan) May 2, 2020
love shack just came on and my son asked “is that john mulaney?” i’m crying— ceeks (@70Ceeks) March 5, 2020
Every time I tell my daughter I love her, she responds with, “I love daddy,” which is toddler speak for go fu*k yourself, mama. Hashtag blessed.— Mommy Uncensored (@amomuncensored) August 29, 2020
Y’all my daughter asked why we grow hair on our private parts and I was like “idk baby that’s a good question” & she sits on my bed dead serious & goes “maybe it was just God adding little details”— Steeze Urkel (@D0llywood) May 17, 2020
My total was $129 at target and my kid was like “I can put this back” lmao GIRL $1.29 for your snickers bar isn’t gonna fix this— hazel (@mamahaaze) May 3, 2020
telling my 6 year old about homeschooling for the next couple months and he asked if i had to do that when i was a kid and i said no and then he asked if chairs were even invented yet, so i think the first thing we’ll study is his fu*king attitude.— my name is no. (@om_eye_goodness) March 16, 2020
My son has a Thomas the Train bed and now I’ll never sleep again pic.twitter.com/ilvjY4LERs— Nathan Thomas (@isosmrt) July 18, 2020
Kid in my son’s class explained to me that she was sure he has two moms because he has “the pretty mom and the other mom.” She described each to me in some detail.— Aubrey Hirsch (@aubreyhirsch) February 9, 2020
Reader, both are me.
Me: (on toilet) Sweety, mommy needs privacy when she pees— Kids_kubed (@Kids_kubed) August 27, 2020
3: ok (closes door and stands next to me with the dog)
3: we private now
My kid asked if that lady is tiny. pic.twitter.com/Lm6ytjhV9P— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) May 4, 2019
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) September 3, 2020
Teacher: "So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?"
5yo: "My mommy hits me and says 'do good!"
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: "SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!"
My daughter just asked me if my boobs were ever round. In case you’re wondering about some of the ways motherhood crushes your soul.— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) January 23, 2020
So evidently our 13 year old thought "primadonna" meant anyone born before Madonna (i.e. pre-Madonna). Please send oxygen. We cannot stop laughing.— Chris Abouzeid (@gripemaster) November 26, 2020
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 10, 2020
Took my kids to the pediatrician yesterday and I told her we’ve barely left the house in 5 months and then she looked at me in all seriousness and asked how much screen time they were getting. I mean… c’mon, lady, read. the. room.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) August 15, 2020
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.— Jen (@TheNextMartha) March 16, 2020
My youngest hacked our Netflix parental code. She put light grease on the remote and got me to input the code when she wasn’t looking. Then she noted the numbers I’d pressed and went through the combinations later. I’m both frightened and impressed.— Ed O'Loughlin (@edoloughlin) September 6, 2020
My daughter came in the room saying we need to talk. Then proceeded to say— Housefly Handrubs (@jacaristar) November 13, 2020
“I know you don’t whoop us. But I think you need to start whooping my brother”
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.— bacon popsicle (@Gupton68) October 18, 2020
My daughter had a Zoom class yesterday. The teacher's internet went out, so one of the kids was made the default host. He muted everyone, pretended to teach the class, and then just said "fart" over and over until the teacher was able to join back. It was amazing.— Todd Coleman (@todd_coleman) April 29, 2020
me: *turns to face son in the back seat* you have until sunday to get your sh*t together boy pic.twitter.com/xglXSlRUL4— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) October 7, 2020
Why is my son sleeping on the floor like this? LMFAO pic.twitter.com/JYe0tBeQN7— CHE GUEVARA (@LivKristen) June 16, 2020
Lost my temper with my daughter because she wouldn't get dressed, and told her she couldn't come downstairs until she'd changed out of her pyjamas. She's just changed into ANOTHER PAIR OF PYJAMAS.— Dara O'Reilly (@Dara_bhur_gCara) May 17, 2020
If my son wants apple juice, I give him half water and half apple juice but the juice I buy is already watered down. The first time this kid has a glass of full sugar apple juice he’s gonna fu*king powerbomb me through our coffee table.— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) August 15, 2020
My 2 year old and 4 year old have been communicating via walkie talkie for twenty minutes. They're in the same room. The walkie talkies have no batteries. Over.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 3, 2020
My kid wrote a song called,— Lisa Shmeesa (@LisaRieffel) May 2, 2020
“I Wonder What’s Inside your Butthole” Quite honestly, it slaps. pic.twitter.com/A65m6XeZ2r
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….— Ursula. (@LeciJ_) August 27, 2020
5-year-old: Do I have to fall in love someday?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 7, 2020
5: Good. I have stuff to do.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) June 11, 2020
my daughter is making a convincing argument that egg should be spelled “eg” and that the second “g” should only be used to describe really big eggs— ∞ + 1 (@stuckinaportal) November 22, 2020
My son lost his tooth yesterday and I go to his room last night to grab the tooth in exchange for some $$$… And this is the message he wrote… with full on instructions pic.twitter.com/jiMm5y9UF9— Chef Lauren (@ChefLaurenW) July 2, 2020
My son just asked me if I when I was little I had to stay inside for COVIDs 1 through 18— Kerry Howley (@KerryHowley) April 1, 2020
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) June 10, 2020
My son asked me— Zack Riley (@ColdHeart_Prj) January 2, 2020
"Where does poo come from?"
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
Kids really overestimate how much parents want to guess things.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 17, 2020
My dad has been doing a huge amount of childcare for us in quarantine so I’m delighted to announce my 1-year old baby gestures and shrugs like a 64-year old Jewish man.— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) October 4, 2020
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?— Crockett (@CrockettForReal) October 12, 2020
3 year old: I’m thirsty
I told my daughter to grab her mask so we can go to the store. This was the mask she grabbed. pic.twitter.com/JQdRZltCSv— Maintaining (@SunsetSoFresh) November 22, 2020
Preview photo credit: Funniest Parenting Tweets Of 2020