When you get married, everyone tells you “Don’t go to bed mad” but nobody tells you “don’t start an argument at 10:30 pm”
GeorgeResch / Via twitter.com

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Marlebean / Via twitter.com

Probably the worst thing to mention when you are in a fight with your wife is the video game you have paused in the other room.
simoncholland / Via twitter.com

[12 pm]
Me: We need to leave at 5.
Me: We need to leave in an hour.
Me: We need to leave in 30 minutes.
Me: We need to leave in 5 minutes.
Husband: So, I don’t have time to cut the grass?
mommajessiec / Via twitter.com

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Parkerlawyer / Via twitter.com

[signing divorce papers]
Him: I’m sorry you no longer want to be *Borat voice* MY WIFE
Her: This. This is why.
iamTannenbaum / Via twitter.com

My husband doesn’t always cook dinner, but when he does he leaves every cupboard open, 800 dishes in the sink, and a layer of crumbs on the kitchen floor an inch thick.
Lhlodder / Via twitter.com

My wife just got mad at me for fast forwarding through a commercial because she wanted to use that time to look at her phone.
TheCatWhisprer / Via twitter.com

Wife: Did you watch our show without me?!
Me: No. I can explain.
Me: We have a ghost.
XplodingUnicorn / Via twitter.com

Got in my car this morning & was surprised to find my husband had filled my gas tank & had gotten it washed.
Act of kindness or guilty of something? Marriage is hard.
sarcasticmommy4 / Via twitter.com

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
skittle624 / Via twitter.com

Losing my wife 3 times in the grocery store and having her paged by customer service each time is why I get to stay home while she shops now
RodLacroix / Via twitter.com

*My husband is having a coughing fit*
Me: Please don’t die. I can’t reach the high shelves.
Him: We have steps tools.
Me: Good point. Carry on.
TheNYAMProject / Via twitter.com

No matter how hot the night is, never underestimate how cold your wife’s feet will be when she puts them on your back.
CrockettForReal / Via twitter.com

Me: Do you like these jeans or the ones I had on earlier?
Husband: The ones you’re wearing now look great.
Me: So the other ones made me look fat?
Husband: That’s not what I said.
Me: Isn’t it though?
sixfootcandy / Via twitter.com


CerromeRussell / Via twitter.com

Husband and I like to spend our weekends shouting ‘what did you say?!’ from another room
MumInBits / Via twitter.com

I kind of wish my spouse would get a side piece but only for talking endlessly about our home security system.
BoomBoomBetty / Via twitter.com


Parkerlawyer / Via twitter.com

We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
UnfilteredMama / Via twitter.com

HUSBAND: What would you do if you had to choose between me or your phone?
ME: I’m sorry, did you say something?
sixfootcandy / Via twitter.com

Via BuzzFeed, Preview photo credit: sixfootcandy / twitter.com