If you enjoy answering questions like, “Do we have orange juice?” while your husband is literally standing right in front of an unopened refrigerator, then being a wife might be right for you.
MarriageMartini / Via twitter.com

Me to my husband: Why don’t you ever buy me flowers?
Me to myself when I see a dude buying flowers: What’d this motherfu*ker do?
ramblinma / Via twitter.com

Before you marry someone, sit next to them on the couch and try to watch your favorite show while they eat a bowl of cereal.
If you still want to marry that slurping animal, congratulations- you have found your person.
Parkerlawyer / Via twitter.com

Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Mirimade / Via twitter.com

First year married: I want to spend every moment with you
All other years: maybe you could move into your own house
MizzusT / Via twitter.com

After many heart to heart talks my husband and I have decided at this stage of our marriage to go ahead and get separate tubes of toothpaste.
sophielou / Via twitter.com

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
copymama / Via twitter.com

Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn’t wanna share.
ValeeGrrl / Via twitter.com

My husband is off to the grocery store so I can stay home and day drink. That is the definition of true love.
3sunzzz / Via twitter.com

“Oh, and another thing…….”
Wives 10 years after a fight ended
envydatropic / Via twitter.com

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Parkerlawyer / Via twitter.com

Establish dominance in your household by staring at your husband while you unplug his phone from the charger and plug in your own.
Lhlodder / Via twitter.com

Marriage is the insurance that someone will be there to criticize everything you do once your parents are out of the picture.
SheJStaz / Via twitter.com

*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Six_Pack_Mom / Via twitter.com

*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*
Marriage level: Expert
sarcasticmommy4 / Via twitter.com

Still waiting for my husband to apologize for what he did in my dream last night.
yenniwhite / Via twitter.com

Sorry. I was late because I had to find all the things that were in plain sight for my husband.
wife_housy / Via twitter.com

Tell me how tired you are so I can upstage you and tell you how much more tired I am.
Lhlodder / Via twitter.com

I hope my husband likes his Father’s Day present and also the twelve things I bought for myself while shopping for it.
amydillon / Via twitter.com

I read that 50% of all marriages end in divorce and all I could think was, “Lucky bastards.”
3sunzzz / Via twitter.com

Via BuzzFeed, Preview photo credit: LoveNLunchmeat / twitter.com