1. On our way to watch my daughter play soccer, my son was asking me about how babies were made. So I told him all about the sperm and they egg and so on. He seemed to reflect deeply about what I had said. Get to soccer and we sit among all the other parents and he blurts out “Dad, is your sperm still inside me?” I almost fucking died. jibbletmonger

2. Friend’s son, 5 years old, pointed at a Muslim women in the mall wearing full garb (including face) and shouted, “Mom, a ninja!” dotdotdot_goose

3. Daughter was rubbing my face with a small football earlier, she thought it was funny so I let her carry on. Later on we were in a restaurant when out of nowhere she gives it “I gave my daddy a ball massage before”. We didn’t stay for dessert. Jason Manford

4. My daughter once asked a black guy why he was made of chocolate. I was incredibly embarrassed. He thought it was hilarious. imjustgonnalurk

5. I was the kid (sorry.) My mom is obese, and she always used to sigh, “I’m the fattest woman in the world,” when she looked in the mirror. Being about four, I took this literally. One day we were in K-Mart, and I saw this REALLY huge woman in a mumu. I freaked out, pointing and yelling, “LOOK MOMMY! YOU’RE NOT THE FATTEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD, SHE IS!!” Rapugzel

6. “Look, Mommy, that police has handcuffs like the ones in your bedroom!” Ashley Johnson

7. I was dating a guy back when my son was maybe 7-8 years old. I picked him up from the airport one night and brought my son with me. While we were driving home the three of us started playing the game “raise your hand if you’ve ever…” 5 minutes in, my son blurts out “raise your hand if you’ve ever clogged up the toilet with a big pile of poop like my mom did today”. Rowens78

8. My mother and I were at Chili’s with my son (who was about 6 or 7 at the time) and my mother and I split a margarita during dinner (a small one, not one of those fishbowl ones). After dessert, we get the bill and get up to leave, when my son suddenly starts BAWLING loudly. Alarmed, I squat down and ask, “what’s the matter?!!” I’m thinking maybe he cut himself or is in pain or something horrible the way he is wailing like a hyperactive banshee. In between hysterical sobs he manages to screech, “I DONT WANT TO GET IN THE CAR WITH A DRUNK DRIVEEEEEEERRRR!!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!!!!” Literally everyone in the restaurant is either staring at me horrified or giving me the death eye. It was so embarrassing. I tried my best to soothe him and explain to him that it was ok, but he was just screaming”You’re DRUUUUNKK! TheBlackPajama

9. My son was feeling really badly about pooping his pants, so to make him feel better I told him that it happens to everyone, even mommy. The next day we walked in to daycare and told the lead teacher “Yesterday I pooped my pants, but mom said it was ok; it happens to her all the time.” danoah

10. When my kid was first learning to tell the difference between men and women, he liked to practice loudly, in public. One day we were sitting in a restaraunt, and he decided to review. “Mom, you’re a woman.” “Yes, sweetie, that’s right!” “And Papa’s a man.” “Yes, right again.” “And she–” (pointing to an old lady sitting across the room from us) “she’s a WITCH!”. At the top of his lungs, of course. DevonianAge

11. When I was around 3 years old my dad told me that smoking was bad, and that only idiots smoke. A couple days later we walked past a smoking woman. I remembered what my dad had told me, and I said with the loudest voice possible:”Dad, look at that idiot over there smoking cigarrettes!” fyrahundraslag

12. When I was 5 or 6 we were at my Dad’s company picnic. I was introduced to his boss and I told him, “My Daddy says you’re a son of a bitch.” My Dad’s co-workers fed me ice cream all afternoon. agreeswithfishpal

13. My daughter at the tender age of 8 announced to a crowded room that when she grows up she wants to be a prostitute! Turns out she meant prosecutor but, you know, it took a while chocolatephantom

14. My 4-year-old son felt the need to warn “old” people they will die … he told a lady in the grocery, “Old people die … and you don’t look so good” Edna

15. When pregnant with our second child we told our first, three years old at the time, that mommy’s belly was so big because there was a baby in there. At a restaurant a couple days later a heavy-set woman walks by our table. Daughter shouts, “Look mom! That lady had a baby in her butt!” keenly_disinterested

16. My three year old daughter will yell “LOOK DADDY! A GANGNAM STYLE!” whenever she see’s an Asian man. reddit

17. Took my kids to see Puss and Boots and when lights dimmed and Puss appeared on the screen my middle son screamed “it’s pussy time” the whole theater was crack in up I laughed so hard I cried Glen Coco

18. During my divorce, while the kids and I were at Walmart buying groceries, I put a bottle of wine in my cart and my daughter yells, “Oh, look, Mom’s sad again.” danoah

19. When my daughter was two and asking about the anatomical differences between herself and her baby brother, I taught her the proper terms and that women and girls had vaginas and vulvas and boys and men had penises and testicles. Whilst browsing through Kohl’s that holiday season (store was PACKED), she loudly exclaimed as she pointed to ever stranger we passed “BOY! Penis and tentacles!” “GIRL! Gyyyyyynah and Volvo!” Lather rinse repeat. The kicker was the androgynous cashier. She asked “Boy or girl?”. The cashier was a trooper and smiled “Girl, sweetie.” Kid proudly screams back “Gyyyyynah and VOLVO!” tiffychele

20. When I was pregnant with my youngest daughter we explained to my older daughter that mommy has a baby in her belly and daddy put it there. Well she always wants to be just like mommy so she started going around telling people she has a baby in her belly and her daddy put it there….. you can imagine the looks I got. Heather Hatfield