My wife is so much better looking than me that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.

I thought I was just really tired but it’s been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now.

[looking up at the stars]
me: makes you feel so insignificant, doesn’t it?
dad: it should, you haven’t done shit with your life

“I want to get to know you”
*gets to know me*

Life is like soccer because my mom signed me up for it and expects me to try my best even though I hate fucking soccer.

Me: please grab some updog on the way home
ExWife: for the last time the kids and I are never coming back
Me: not much what’s up with you?

im so sorry im late, the traffic was horrendous
[cut to me crying and eating 26 mcnuggets in a parked car]

everyone build your dream girl you have $5
Funny $15
Pretty $50
Athletic $50
Me $5
Smart $20

fellas i like to sit on my hand so it goes numb then it feel like someone else is wiping my tears away

A pet rock is a fun pet until you realize that it’s essentially immortal and you’ve damned it to an eternity of watching its loved ones die

Animal Crossing is a wildly successful franchise because it fulfills the millennial fantasy of owning a house with a yard and having friends

Remember: You can do anything you want, go anywhere you like. The only thing stopping you is your mind. Set yourself free! There are no limi

Being 28-2016: I’m not ready for a relationship
28-1816: I have 13 kids
28-1000BC: I lived a good life, thrice I ate a berry and once a pear

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

waiter, there’s a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup

on aging:
21 yrs – woo!
22 yrs – woo!
23 yrs – woo!
24 yrs – woo!
25 yrs – woo!
26 yrs – wait
27 yrs – oh god
28 yrs – please make it stop

You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died

They say video games make u violent, but hundreds of years ago we burned people alive for being witches so probably humans are just garbage

There’s a monster at the end of this book. It’s the blank page where the story ends and you’re left alone with yourself and your thoughts

i’ve been using tear-free shampoo but i’m still depressed

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hey kids, i know youre struggling right now but im here to tell you, everything gets worse forever

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive