1.
My wife is so much better looking than me that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.
@charliedemers
2.
I thought I was just really tired but it’s been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now.
@amydillon
3.
[looking up at the stars]
me: makes you feel so insignificant, doesn’t it?
dad: it should, you haven’t done shit with your life
@PaperWash
4.
“I want to get to know you”
*gets to know me*
“oh”
@sosadtoday
5.
Life is like soccer because my mom signed me up for it and expects me to try my best even though I hate fucking soccer.
@thenatewolf
6.
Me: please grab some updog on the way home
ExWife: for the last time the kids and I are never coming back
Me: not much what’s up with you?
@smells_fine
7.
im so sorry im late, the traffic was horrendous
[cut to me crying and eating 26 mcnuggets in a parked car]
@trojansauce
8.
everyone build your dream girl you have $5
Funny $15
Pretty $50
Athletic $50
Me $5
Smart $20
@gossipgriII
9.
fellas i like to sit on my hand so it goes numb then it feel like someone else is wiping my tears away
@famouscrab
10.
A pet rock is a fun pet until you realize that it’s essentially immortal and you’ve damned it to an eternity of watching its loved ones die
@AlexRogaski
11.
Animal Crossing is a wildly successful franchise because it fulfills the millennial fantasy of owning a house with a yard and having friends
@massedriver
12.
Remember: You can do anything you want, go anywhere you like. The only thing stopping you is your mind. Set yourself free! There are no limi
@serafinowicz
13.
Being 28-2016: I’m not ready for a relationship
28-1816: I have 13 kids
28-1000BC: I lived a good life, thrice I ate a berry and once a pear
@shutupmikeginn
14.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
@pleatedjeans
15.
waiter, there’s a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup
@davedittell
16.
on aging:
21 yrs – woo!
22 yrs – woo!
23 yrs – woo!
24 yrs – woo!
25 yrs – woo!
26 yrs – wait
27 yrs – oh god
28 yrs – please make it stop
@soccrchik17
17.
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
@sammmmmmmantha
18.
They say video games make u violent, but hundreds of years ago we burned people alive for being witches so probably humans are just garbage
@bourgeoisalien
19.
There’s a monster at the end of this book. It’s the blank page where the story ends and you’re left alone with yourself and your thoughts
@NightValeRadio
20.
i’ve been using tear-free shampoo but i’m still depressed
@pilotbacon
21.
Netflix Suggestions For You
Because You Watched: Your Life Slip Away
You Might Also Enjoy: Just Giving Up Completely
@behindyourback
22.
hey kids, i know youre struggling right now but im here to tell you, everything gets worse forever
@wolfpupy
23.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
@grumbist