DOC: We think you may have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?
ME: Can’t say I do
DOC: That’s one of the symptoms, yes. @jazmasta

[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?! @TheToddWilliams

EMPLOYEE: How about this one?
PSYCHIC: That shirt is too small
EMPLOYEE: You didn’t even try it on
PSYCHIC: I’m a medium thetimeisneveright

How to fall down stairs
Step 1
Step 6
Step 7,8,9,11 daneZie

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy @KalvinMacleod

his palms are sweaty
knees weak
arms are heavy
there’s @DanMentos

my friend told me that i need to stop singing i’m a believer because it was getting annoying and i laughed because i thought she was kidding
but then i saw her face heart

8. Women make better Ghostbusters than men because we are used to caring about invisible problems no one else believes in. @STACEYNIGHTMARE

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money @fro_vo

10. not only is my new thesaurus terrible, but it’s also terrible alandistro

My dick is pi inches long blastortoise
This is fucking me up a bit because like that means my dick is not bigger than 3 inches but yet it’s infinite like wtf blastortoise
no it just means your dick is irrational and people hate it tawnks

boss: you’re fired
mime: why
mime: oh right @sageboggs

13. oh so you like metal? name 3 blacksmiths imdreamingofawhitegenocide
Will, Jaden and Willow. waynereewrites:

14. My wife hates it when I introduce her as my ex-girlfriend. @DanV_is_Me

15. a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual norse monarchs: the bikings rebloggy.com

16. I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday. Not a great gift I know, but you should’ve seen her face light up when she opened it @ThatScoop