#1

nobody:

Italic letters: pic.twitter.com/2C0B3d6VtO

— guy who likes jokes (@jacksxnenstrom) February 4, 2019

#2

Date: I love car chase action scenes

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we're done here

— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) June 26, 2018

#3

the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh sh*t is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight

— old tom (@YuckyTom) March 1, 2019

#4

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

— Brandon the Cow (@Brampersandon_) November 26, 2014

#5

Me when I’m on the phone to my friend Colin and the receptions bad: pic.twitter.com/D5ZoBQp9Sr

— Paul Black (@paulbIack) May 17, 2019

#6

Sick of having to go to 2 different huts to buy pizza & sunglasses.

— blake (@Leemanish) March 24, 2013

#7

me: i’m being haunted by the movie grease

therapist: tell me more

me: *screams*

— elvish presley (@_elvishpresley_) September 24, 2019

#8

oh my god, i need this to be me in 20 years pic.twitter.com/xJ4RIrpBiD

— sadly not a nun until my husband dies (@hashtag_dta) August 10, 2019

#9

bourgeoisalien / Via twitter.com

#10

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 25, 2013

#11

the boos in luigi’s mansionpic.twitter.com/rM4bFBLWr6

— g✧soiid (@nightcoreboi) November 4, 2019

#12

"Do you have Coke"
No, is Pepsi okay
"Do you have updog"
What's updog
"Haha not much and no Pepsi is absolutely not okay"

— BeardSpice (@BeardSpice) September 30, 2014

#13

Me: Last name Ever, First name Greatest
Starbucks barista: I’m not writing that.

— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) November 11, 2018

#14

elliesunakawa / Via twitter.com

#15

DauntingToaster / Via twitter.com

#16

rudy_mustang / Via twitter.com

#17

My annoying a*s being annoying then getting shocked when someone actually gets annoyed. pic.twitter.com/jxwKpcTdXC

— Ben Hall (@MrBenLHall) February 12, 2019

#18

if i die and come back as a hillbilly is that called reintarnation

— slutty satanist (@_garbage_girl_) March 20, 2019

#19

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about 'Derek & Stephanie 2'

— Marf (@MarfSalvador) February 15, 2017

#20

Wooooaaah…
We're half way there,
Wooooaa-oaaah… pic.twitter.com/pxhekYkx9Z

— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) January 17, 2019

#21

priest: it be like that sometimes

congregation: and sometimes like that it be

— madison!!! (@madisonfrench_) November 5, 2018

#22

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I'll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don't know how to tell you this

— Kyle (@KylePlantEmoji) May 23, 2018

#23

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

— FroVo (@fro_vo) January 6, 2018

#24

Me: can I have a turn in the hedge now

Hedgehog: no

— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) July 1, 2019

#25

PRIEST: Do you take Florence to be your wife?

THE MACHINE: I do

PRIEST: Does anyone have anything-

RAGE: [from the back] I'M AGAINST THIS

— Terry F (@daemonic3) July 23, 2016

#26

ogbellafahmi / Via twitter.com

#27

date: can you take off your work gloves

Jim Henson: they have names

— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) October 4, 2019

Via BuzzFeed, Preview photo credit: ogbellafahmi / twitter.com