1. When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up. @Cheeseboy22

ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl* @mynameisntdave

Txt from wife: where r u
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos @GrantTanaka

The Mrs and I have been married so long she can finish my sentences.
She also starts most of them and supplies the middle parts too. @TheAlexNevil

My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph. @BradBroaddus

6. When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful. @KentWGraham

therapist: so why do you want to end your marriage?
wife: I hate the constant star wars puns
husband: divorce is strong with this one @AndyAsAdjective

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth @iwearaonesie

9. Marriage is just texting each other “Do we need anything from the grocery store?” a bunch of times until one of you dies. @DanielRCarrillo

10. Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife’s home. @_troyjohnson

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can't think of a good comeback because it's not my turn to use the brain] @GrantTanaka

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid” @KeetPotato

13. Before I got married I didn’t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge @iwearaonesie

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise @ericsshadow

15. When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes. @TheGladStork

[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump] @XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”? @PJTLynch

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house. @moooooog35

19. keeping our marriage fresh/exciting via texts @usedwigs

[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number
*thermostat negotiations* @simoncholland

21. I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house. @KentWGraham

22. My wife gives me the speaking treatment. @KentWGraham

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share @KalvinMacleod

24. Marriage is like the IKEA of relationships. Easy to walk into, confusing to piece together and difficult to exit. @BiIIMurray

25. Relationship status: My wife asked me what I wanted for dinner and then told me I was wrong. @XplodingUnicorn

26. Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive. @PJTLynch

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount @tchrquotes

28. Marriage is like coffee. First it’s really hot. Then it’s just right. Then it helps you get off your ass and do things. @yoyoha

29. Headed to Goodwill to buy back something I donated yesterday because this is my lesson on why marriage communication is so important. @simoncholland

[Sees bee on my wife's arm]
Uh oh
[I roll up a newspaper]
Babe.. stay still..
(using newspaper as a megaphone) THERE’S A FUCKING BEE ON YOU @ruinedpicnic

31. I’ve been married for about 45 lbs. @crunchenhanced

“Will you like my Instagram I just posted please?”
Married life. @joshhafner

ME: isn’t this great??
WIFE: not really
ME: *looks down from the top bunk* what’s wrong @hippieswordfish

34. Marriage is about finding that special someone to disagree with about the room temperature until you die. @TheCatWhisprer

Time to Turn the Page: 1 2