If you’re on the fence about having kids, just know this: My husband & I are sitting in the car, in the driveway, so we can talk uninterrupted for maybe 2 minutes.
sarcasticmommy4 / Via twitter.com

I cut the crust off my daughter’s PB&J and I swear to god I heard her whisper that I’m her bit*h now.
thedad / Via twitter.com

[at my funeral]
MY KID: *leans into my coffin and whispers* can i play a game on your phone?
TheCatWhisprer / Via twitter.com

I was arguing with my husband and my son screamed “yay! TWO christmases!” from the other room.
JennyPentland / Via twitter.com

4-year-old: Can we get a kitten?
Me: I’m allergic. We can’t be in the same house.
4: You could sleep outside.
XplodingUnicorn / Via twitter.com

My 11yo wrote me an apology for misbehaving in the car that included “I love you so much but sometimes forget to care about your existence.”
Manda_like_wine / Via twitter.com

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
SardonicTart / Via twitter.com

My kid just flushed her socks down the toilet because “dirty stuff goes there.”
Sound logic, questionable execution.
daddydoinwork / Via twitter.com

5yo: Just one more question before I go to bed.
Me: What?
5yo: What are the lines on your forehead for?
5yo: Now they look angry.
PaigeKellerman / Via twitter.com

Me: “See this? It’s a fossil of a fish that lived FIFTY MILLION YEARS AGO!” 7yo: “So you were almost born then, right?”
ReasonsMySonCry / Via twitter.com

Me: How was your day?
9yr old: Not good
Me: Wanna talk
9yr old: I just want to play piano, it will help
*pounds away mary had a little lamb*
IjeomaOluo / Via twitter.com

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
TragicAllyHere / Via twitter.com

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
jessokfine / Via twitter.com

4-year-old: Can I have some of your candy?
Wife: I got this for Mother’s Day.
4: You’re only a mom because of me.
XplodingUnicorn / Via twitter.com

4: What did I earn for being good today?
Me: My love and affection.
4: [cries] I don’t want that!
ashleyaustrew / Via twitter.com

Preview photo credit: XplodingUnicorn / twitter.com