Cocaine is God's way of saying that you're making too much money. - Robin Williams
A mother's genetics determines how clever her children are, according to researchers, and the father makes no difference.
"Ways to piss off your child: Feed them. Bathe them. Clothe them. Breathe."
It really messes me up that you can accidentally create a human life, but you can’t accidentally make a pizza.
Ingenuity is their first, middle and last name.
Me: Do that thing I like. Husband: [takes the kids and leaves]
Husband: "Why are you so tired?" Me: "Because I'm assembling a person and there are a lot of little pieces!"
Wipe that gummy little smile off your face, baby!
Our youngest lightly bumped into something, if you're wondering why she's wearing 37 band-aids.
Ain't no shame in their game.
I spent ten minutes trying to figure out why my Target card wouldn't work at Walmart.
Poop, sweat, and tears.
If you missed 'em the first time, you're in for a treat.
Sometimes you just gotta "call in pregnant."
New baby, new problems.
I’m sorry if my baby cries when they see you or you hold them! It’s nothing personal!