1.
when your mom leaves you home alone and tells you to feed yourself
SpeakComedy
2.
[day after trying sushi for the first time]
ME: *putting frozen chicken nuggets on table*
WIFE: this isn’t cooke-
ME: it’s sushi, susan
trojansauce
3.
Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I’m some sort of amateur?
*googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*
Karissajem
4.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
sofarrsogud
5.
WHAT I WANNA KNOW IS HOW MY STUPIDASS SISTER MELTED THE FU*KINH OVEN TRAY BUT THE CHICKEN NUGGETS JUST CHILLIN.
VludDiamond
6.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
ddsmidt
7.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Tommytoughstuff
8.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
lemmywinkler
9.
COOKING HACK: if you put too much water in your rice, toss a few phones in there
UniqueDude2
10.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
XplodingUnicorn
11.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
MittenDAmour
12.
Sure, I’ll cook dinner.
How milky do you like your Captain Crunch?
JerynnNicole
13.
when I try to cook something
FactsOfSchool
14.
Me: This chicken is undercooked.
Wife: You don’t appreciate my cooking.
Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.
QueefTornado
15.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
murrman5
16.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
envydatropic
17.
When you try to make something you saw on Pinterest.
samkalidi
18.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
gobmentcheese
19.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
ThatB_OverThere
20.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
amydillon
21.
when the food is nasty but you ain’t trying to hurt someone’s feelings
ItsBaeFeelings
22.
DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON
“Can we put Nutella on our salmon and call it salmonella?”
This has been DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON
KenJennings
23.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
SortaBad
24.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
mydmac
25.
So I’m just supposed to know that you can’t eat the outside of the pineapple, like I’m some sort of scientist
audipenny