I was arguing with my husband and my son screamed “yay! TWO christmases!” from the other room.

4-year-old: Can I have some of your candy?
Wife: I got this for Mother’s Day.
4: You’re only a mom because of me.

My 11yo wrote me an apology for misbehaving in the car that included “I love you so much but sometimes forget to care about your existence.”

dad: “come on, you guys are LATE!!!!”
11yo: “you should have started YELLING at us earlier!”

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

My kid just flushed her socks down the toilet because “dirty stuff goes there.”
Sound logic, questionable execution.

5yo: Just one more question before I go to bed.
Me: What?
5yo: What are the lines on your forehead for?
5yo: Now they look angry.

Me: “See this? It’s a fossil of a fish that lived FIFTY MILLION YEARS AGO!”
7yo: “So you were almost born then, right?”

best part of working from home is having your 5y/o run in while you’re on a conference call and cry “I accidentally peed in the wrong place”

Me: How was your day?
9yr old: Not good
Me: Wanna talk
9yr old: I just want to play piano, it will help
*pounds away mary had a little lamb*

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

Me: Can you guys cooperate if I take you to the store?
5yo: Do we have to decide right now?

I cut the crust off my daughter’s PB&J and I swear to god I heard her whisper that I’m her bitch now.

4: What did I earn for being good today?
Me: My love and affection.
4: [cries] I don’t want that!

4-year-old: Can we get a kitten?
Me: I’m allergic. We can’t be in the same house.
4: You could sleep outside.

my little cousin rolled up like “so I heard you wanted a brownie”