1. You are getting really good at budgeting
Me: “I need to start saving money”
Me when I get paid


2. You know how to portion your food
i did that adult thing you can do where you buy an entire cake and just eat it
i am eating an entire cake

update: there is more cake than i imagined.

i see now why my parents didn’t let me do this

3. And eat and drink healthy
my body: WATER please I need it
me: you – you want iced coffee??

4. You never pass up a chance to give some of your sage advice to those ~less wiser~
Me, talking to someone literally one (1) year younger than me.


5. The love of your life is not another human being, but wine
My adult life just peaked


6. Because dating is HARD


7. Kids? Me? No.
someone: having children is great. they are true happiness.
me: okay……..that sounds fake but okay

8. You just have different priorities
2007: i’m drunk, gonna call my ex
2017: i’m drunk, gonna call my senator

9. And interests! You own live plants now
is it bad to water ur plants w seltzer or is it fancy

10. This speaks to you on a personal level
Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there’s lots of cursing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies

11. And this
Apparently adult life is mostly crying and looking at menus online

12. You regularly reminisce on the glory days
I’ve spent my whole adult life chasing the high of a scholastic book fair

13. You’ve come to realize the accuracy behind this
two biggest shocks of adult life:
1. everyone does cocaine
2. cheese is fucking expensive

14. Damn, and this
Girl on campus today whispering to her dog:
*No, you don’t always get a cookie for doing the right thing. That’s part of being an ADULT*

15. You’re constantly going to weddings that aren’t your own
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”

16. Everyone besides you is basically married with three kids
*logs onto Facebook*
*first post is an engagement announcement*
*second post is baby announcement*
*deletes Facebook*

17. Even strangers are getting in engaged in front of your eyes!
a couple just got engaged after i was heading back to my seat from pooping

18. But it’s whatever, because THESE are your family goals
my sister just saw this beautiful family out for a drive in taiwan