I was at the airport, ready to leave for vacation when I got a panicked phone call from a client. She stated that the video I sent her – part of a large marketing campaign – was missing the sound. After a lot of shouting and threats on her part, I agreed to go to her office try and fix it.
After being escorted into her office, I played the video and double-checked her computer’s sound options. Then I unplugged her headphones. Then I billed her for my missed flight.
Clients From Hell

Client: Yeah, we’re not paying for this.
Me: Why not? I’ve spent three weeks on this.
Client: Because we can just use the sample you sent us. Think ahead next time.
Me: But it has the words ‘sample’ across it and it’s four times too small.
Client: Ah. Crap. We need you to send us the final version then.
Me: After I receive payment, sure.
Client: Is that really necessary?
Clients From Hell

Client: “What is going on with my website? It looks all wrong!”
Me: “It was working just fine yesterday, let’s take a look.”
Us: “Let’s take a look… (We download a page, check out the code). Well, it looks as if someone’s gone in and deleted some of the code that makes the site work.”
Client: “Yeah, that was me, I was getting rid of some of your unnecessary code… why isn’t the site working?”
Clients From Hell

After sending two invoices for payment, I sent another and called the client when the receipt that they had received it came back.
CLIENT: Why are you calling me?
ME: You haven’t paid and this is the third invoice I’ve sent.
CLIENT: It’s even more than the last one!
ME: Yes. The contract you signed stated that I would add a late fee for payment.
CLIENT: You mean I have to actually pay you? I thought you were joking!
ME: What on earth made you think that?
CLIENT: You’re a freelancer!
ME: And…
CLIENT: Well, you work for free! If you were supposed to be paid, you’d be called a paidlancer or something!
Clients From Hell

Client: “I don’t mean to sound racist, but…”
Me: “But what?”
Client: “But the site is too black.”
Me: “Like, literally too black?”
Client: “Yes. The background is too black.”
Me: “That’s not racist. That has nothing to do with race.”
Client: “Phew. I can never tell with you black people, what’s offensive and what’s not.”
Me: “I’m actually Lebanese. And, yeah, that one might be a bit racist.”
Clients From Hell

I had a potential client that asked me to stop by their office for a consultation on redesigning their current website. When she offered to show me her current site this is what she did (and I wish I was exaggerating): opened Internet Explorer which defaulted to google.com, and in the Google search field, she typed in “Yahoo.com”, clicked search, and in the results, clicked the Yahoo.com paid ad, then, in Yahoo’s search box, entered her website’s URL, clicked search, and in Yahoo’s results, clicked the third link from the top.
Me: Do you do this every time?
Client: How else do you expect me to find my website!?
Clients From Hell

At 3am, after finishing a website template for a client who had to have it “by 6am their time,” I sent an email letting her know that it was finished. The next day I get a call:
CLIENT: I don’t appreciate you staying out all night when you should be working on my project.
ME: I’m sorry? I was working all last night. As you can see, I sent you an e-mail –
CLIENT: I see that. At 3am. Do you think it’s okay to party all night and then work without sleep at 3am? It’s very unprofessional and morally reprehensible.
ME: What makes you think I was out partying?
CLIENT: Why else would you be up at 3am?
ME: You gave my 24 hours to do 18 hours of work. I had to stay up
CLIENT: Don’t try to use math on me!
Clients From Hell

I was approached by a porn star that wanted me to re-do her site. She agreed to my price and I fulfilled the job. She paid and that was that.
A few weeks go by and I’m contacted by her husband.
Client: I’d like you to update the site again. As payment, you can have sex with my wife once a week.
Clients From Hell

Me: A two-page web design will cost X. Four-page would be X, Six -
Client: How much if it was double-sided?
Me: The website?
Client: Yes.
Clients From Hell

Client: Could you put it one pixel to the right?
I look at her and push once on the right arrow of my keyboard
Client: PERFECT!
We were looking at a finished image; that button press did nothing.
Clients From Hell

Phone call at 8 in the morning.
Client: “I’m very disappointed in you not responding to my urgent emails! I flagged them URGENT!“
Me: “Uh, we’re technically not open for another half hour, what time did you send the emails?”
Client: “Around 3am! I’ve been waiting FIVE HOURS for you to respond! You’re hardly treating it as urgent!”
Clients From Hell

Client: About that illustration – cancel it.
Me: Cancel it?
Client: Yes, I want it canceled.
Me: I can’t cancel it, it’s already done. You can ask for changes, though. What didn’t you like about it? What do you wish to change?
Client: I’m simply not going to use it, so I’m not going to pay.
Me: You may choose not to use it, but you signed a contract so you must pay.
Client: Cancel the contract then.
Clients From Hell

Client: Just wanted to tell you again we loved your work – the cupcake marketing plan is brilliant. We don’t know how to thank you.
Me: I’m so glad. No thanks necessary – I’ll settle for the project fee we agreed on.
Client: Oh no, I’m afraid we don’t really have the money for that. Is there some other way we can repay you? Free cupcakes for life?
Me: I’m diabetic.
Clients From Hell

I had a client request that I send daily reports of any money I spent while on contract with him (e.g., groceries, eating out, etc. – he wanted me to report any personal expense within the 24 hours).
When I declined his demand, he became furious with me.
Client: I’m paying your bills! I have every right to know where that money is going! I’m not paying you to go out clubbing every night; I’m paying you to work, so I need to make sure that you aren’t spending my money on unimportant things.
I decided not to take the job after all.
Clients From Hell

Client: “How much do you charge to install Windows on a computer?”
Me: ”$85″
Client: “Is it going to be legal?”
Me: “Yes.”
Client: “How much do you charge for a pirated copy?”
Me: “$10,000 or 10 years in prison.”
Clients From Hell

Client: Why have you taken my website down? I demand you put it back immediately!
Me: You didn’t pay your january invoice, and although I explained very clearly the consequences of that non- payment, you still refused, so the website is now offline.
Client: But it’s February now, so put it back online at once.
Me: Well, you are refusing to pay the February invoice too, so I’m afraid that’s not possible.
Client: Are we going to go through this charade every month?
Me: I honestly hope not.
Clients From Hell

Client: I need to talk to my ad person.
me: sure. Who’s your ad rep?
Client: Mary.
Me: We don’t have a Mary. Was it (my name)? Or could it be Karla or Betty?
Client: No, no, that’s not it.
Client: i’m looking at your employee page on the website. She’s that fat girl in the back, you know the great big one.
Me: Umm… Is it (I say my own name again)?
Client: Yea, yea that’s her. I need to talk to her.
Me: Well this is her. I’m the fat girl in the back.
Clients From Hell

Client: The website looks great, but I think we need more images of children. Do you have a database of images of children that we could take from…?
Asecond e-mail arrives a few moments later.
Client: I just realized what I was asking. Please ignore and delete all my e-mails with the subject line “Need photos of children.”
Clients From Hell

We did an animated gif file for a client – I sent it to the account handler as he had a very important meeting with the client.
He called back an hour later and was VERY unhappy with me.
Client: It doesn’t work, it doesn’t work! I printed it off and took it to the meeting and nothing happened!
Clients From Hell

I received an email from a potential client. My name is Jose. I live in California.
Client: I am interested in one of your illustrations. I have a budget of $30 U.S.D.
Me: I am truly sorry sir, but that budget isn’t adequate for my illustration services.
Client: I don’t think you understood , thats $30 dollars American, not pesos, amigo. I need that Illustration done by tomorrow, in other words… pronto. can you do it?
Me: Wow.
Client: Yeah, now you get it. That should pay for a whole month of cerveza and tacos.
Clients From Hell